Sex Versus Intimacy
What Is More Important To College Students?
It’s a sunny, warm winter day in Southern California and the nearly 900 students comprising Whittier College’s undergrads are in the middle of finals week. The campus is calm and the rush of cars on busy Painter Street is the constant hum interrupted by birds singing and people laughing while taking a break from studying. Some students are sitting at a table in the courtyard near the Campus Inn, all trying to navigate finals week. Some are relaxed, others worried, some angry. They are bound by being college students, but each have their own lives to attend to outside of class filled with the usual things: work, fun, love, sadness, and, yes, sex.
That last word somehow seems taboo. Like Bruno, we tend to not talk about it, but studies indicate that about 70 percent of college students are sexually active to some degree. The subject is even the focus of a popular comedy on HBO Max now in its third season, called, yep, The Sex Lives of College Girls. The show follows four college students as they navigate their academic and social lives, experiencing the ups and downs of sexual relations and politics. Many like the show because it’s funny, but also because it’s relatable.
Students arrive at college at a unique time in their lives. Their minds and bodies are going through rapid changes and at a time when they are starting to individuate — that is, figure out who they are and what they want, including sexually. “At age 18, we are fully sexually developed. That’s when our parents are not around as much and we start learning about our desires and our envies,” explains Chuck Hill, a psychology professor here at Whittier College, explains. You can’t miss him; he is the tallest (and nicest) professor on campus.
Of course, some arriving at college might have already experienced sexual activities or intimate relationships, while others are waiting for the right time. It may seem like “everybody’s doing it” all the time, but a broad study conducted by the University of Michigan’s student newspaper, The Michigan Daily, paints a different picture. About 38 percent of the more than 3,000 students responding to a survery had not had sex over the course of an entire semester. Only a small percentage were having sex regularly.
In other words, there’s no rush, even if you’ve felt pressured, as most of us have at some point in our lives, to have sex. Lucy Corcoran, a 20-year-old psychology major, remembers that feeling. “I felt pressured in high school because all of my friends started to have sex, so I felt like I needed to be at their level,” she said.
Professor Hill says students are vulnerable to a lot of pressure from media. “There is so much in the media. It’s always about who is the prettiest or the most popular. It puts all these expectations on you, and if you don’t satisfy them, then they think, What’s wrong with you?” says Hill.
“There is so much in the media. It’s always about who is the prettiest or the most popular. It puts all these expectations on you…”
When we do feel ready, either alone or with a partner, we start experiencing new sensations and emotions: passion, love, desire, excitement, and most of all, pleasure. The body is wired to seek those sensations — they can be exciting and fun — and college students are no exception. Despite the sexual awakening most experience during adolescence, simply gratification isn’t all we seek. Casual sex is fine for some people, but we often develop emotional attachments with sexual partners, especially ones we like. “Friends with benefits,” sounds easy, but usually it ends up with one person being more attached than the other. “When we orgasm, our bodies release oxytocin, which then causes you to feel more attached to the person you felt this pleasure with,” said Professor Hill.
There is a reason why individuals who started as friends with benefits often don’t end up as friends, or with benefits. “When asked why people were no longer friends with benefits, the commonly endorsed answers were that they didn’t communicate enough in the beginning and that they wanted different things from the relationship than their partner did,” writes Justin J. Lehmiller, a sex educator, author, and researcher at the Kinsey Institute.
This is another way of saying that intimacy is often what we are seeking from sex, and vice versa. “In my opinion, intimacy is way more important than just having a sexual connection,” says Sonali Ortiz-Casillas, a 20-year-old psychology major with a minor in philosophy. “I think that having a sexual connection with your partner is important; having an intimate one is beyond that.”
Adds Jacob Ben-Shmuel, a 21-year-old music major. “I will only be intimate with someone I know and can trust. I’m very guarded and I will tend to avoid sexual relationships if there is nothing behind them.”
“In my opinion, intimacy is way more important than just having a sexual connection.”
Intimacy grows upon familiarity and friendship. It may seem like it, but sex isn’t always a shortcut to intimacy. “You don’t have much in common with people you met at a bar and had a one-night stand with, except alcohol,” says Professor Hill. “With your friends, you have way more in common; that’s why you get along so well and feel more comfortable with them.”
Being comfortable with someone opens up the possibilities for intimacy, including sexual intimacy. When there is intimacy involved in sex, “It makes me feel so much more connected,” says Corcoran. “I think that it is a beautiful moment to share. You feel all these different emotions: passion, love, and euphoria. It’s almost like there are millions of fireworks around you.”
As humans we want to be loved. That’s why people often remarry after getting divorced. Most of us want top have an intimate connection with someone. “Of course, if sexual activities are involved it is even better because our bodies get what they desire,” says Professor Hill.
