7 Best Ways to Care for your K.I.D.
Many households operating in our neoliberal economy of today have opted to produce the vessels of human capital which have come to be known as KIDs: Kreated Investments till Death. KIDs, while a hefty initial investment, can end up being the most important one you’ll ever make, continuing to pay out long after you have stopped putting in. During the KID raising process, they can help with chores, prevent mental stagnation, and provide accomplishments for you to post on social media in order to accrue social capital. Once they have matured into self-sufficiency, they can contribute towards your debts, and, perhaps the most coveted benefit, provide you care and support in your old age. As you can see, the reasons to create one of these investments are varied and numerous.
The following is a quick guide for the beginning parental unit on how to raise KIDS to optimal performance levels — essentially, how to get the best bang for your buck.
1.Protect the Vehicle
First and foremost, how can you expect to return on investment if you don’t protect the vehicle that will transport it (your KID’s body)? In order for a KID to continue providing for you in your old age, or even make it to the point where they are mature enough to make their own purchases and thus relieve you of some of their stock, you must make sure that you provide a safe, undisturbed environment for them to expand their hardware and update their software. Ensure they are buckled up in autopilotmobiles, wear protective gear while on their hover bikes, and do not choke on small objects.
2. Perform Maintenance
In addition to the bare minimum of ensuring your KID continues to breath on a regular basis, there is of course regular maintenance. Most establishments will require you by law to engage in preventative maintenance, such as vaccinating the child and eventually teaching them to relieve themselves in a self-sufficient, sanitary fashion so as not to cause bio-hazards by relieving themselves in public, as well as to reduce pollution caused by diapers. The rest is up to you, but we highly suggest regular health check ups and providing dental and optical care as well.
3. Establish a Bond
At one point in our history a bond referred to an emotional connection between a parental unit and their KID, but this romanticized connection was tenuous and unstable. Bonds of today are instead purely financial. Allowing your KID to dwell often on just how much you’ve invested. This creates a subtle sense of pressure to perform that will continuously build over their lifetime. Leave out bills for them to catch glimpses of, frequently refer to any sacrifices you may have made, etc. If they are unresponsive to such tactics, consider the alternative albeit more direct route of informing your KID of their status as a debtor.
4. Purchase Add-ons
Although it is true that Kreating the Investments that will last till Death is already a lengthy and expensive process all on its own, resist the urge to provide them with a bargain childhood. The truth of the matter is: you get what you pay for. If this is already your third or fourth KID, and you are already reaping the benefits from previous investments (they are buying you significant gifts for holidays, planning to care for you in retirement, helping with rent, etc.) then you can probably get away with hand me downs because you are less dependent on a big return. However, if this is your first time, do not skimp. Piano lessons, private tutoring, and a multilingual nanny all cost a pretty penny, but each one of these additions to your KID’s life can eventually be traded in for a successful college application, which can save you tens to hundreds of thousands in bribes.
5. Education is Key
On that note, ensure that your child takes all the right steps to enter into a place of higher education that offers decent employment opportunities. These steps may include but are not limited to: taking AP Classes, participating in sports, volunteering for a virtuous cause (preferably one with orphans or homeless individuals) and befriending teachers for the recommendations. Ensure that they do not care too much about any one of these steps (as can happen for the more enjoyable ones) because it may limit their chances to take on even more. When they enter college, make sure they understand that it is their path to one goal: securing a place in the economy (getting a job). College is no place for superfluous intellectual engagement, exploring interests, or “finding” oneself.
6. Diversify your Portfolio
Consider investing in multiple KIDS, not just one. Consider the ancient proverb “don’t put all your eggs in one basket,” and apply it here. If one KID fails to secure a well paying job, defaults or declares bankruptcy on their parent-KID relationship by walking out on the family, or succumbs to death via accident or disease, you’re going to want to have a back up in place. Of course, this requires some risk assessment. You don’t want to invest entirely and only in KIDS. Make sure you will have enough money left over after the necessary contributions for your needs (such as retirement), in case your KID unit does not make satisfactory returns.
7. This is a Transaction
Remember, your KID is a commodity — it’s in the name. Your family will invest in them and expect to see the returns. This isn’t to say you cannot be proud of your KID, concerned for their well being, or would love them less if they failed to make returns. But what it does mean is their educational and professional career as well as their place in the home is largely transactional. You provided, now they deliver. Any emotions are incidental.
We wish you luck in this endeavor and hope your parental unit experience will be a rewarding one!
