Local Woman Unable to Tell if She is Overjoyed or Mortified by Current Weather

An Onion-style post on Climate Change

Newark local Abigail Marek has noticed a definite difference in the winter weather this year, and she has no idea how to feel about it. With less than two weeks until spring, she has been weighing the pros and cons of the significantly warmer weather of the past few weeks. “On one hand, I’ve been able to shed my bulky winter coat and wear cute skirts, but on the other hand, the Earth is totally $#%&ed.” With not a single inch of snow in February in normally frigid Chicago, Marek finds herself conflicted. Her comments to the press come as she stands in 66 degree weather: “I love not needing to use the heater in my apartment, and I haven’t had to shovel any snow this entire winter, but on the other hand, the Earth is totally $#%&ed.” Winter has never been Marek’s favorite season, but the lack of the things she normally dreads has created a far worse sense of dread. During the times during winter when Marek would normally say, “Man, I wish it were summer right now,” she finds herself nervously saying, “Well… It should probably be a bit more like winter right now, right?” The sense of impending doom is certainly dulled by the fact that Marek has a slightly less chilly walk to class, but she is also well aware that we are all totally $@#%ed.