Before Home
The ride back to my parent’s house was quite. I was smiling in the back seat, unaware of the cars passing us. It was serene almost. The words Nanna had spoken at dinner expressed his true self, his loving and caring self, and he would be damned if anyone, even Thatha, would ruin a relationship with his daughter. All the fear of losing his love, his approval vanished that night. I felt as if our bond grew that night, as he showed me that he would always choose me, his daughter, over our culture’s tradition and standards. It was nothing less than beautiful. As we were pulling up to the house I grew up in, my mother turned to me, gave me an upset look and then pointed her finger at me. “I hope you know there was a lot of damage caused tonight because of you. Don’t think you can just fly back to America and forget everything that happened tonight. Your father stuck his neck out for you, have you even thanked him?” She started to say something before my father interrupted her. “Please, no yelling. Tonight has been difficult for everyone. Let us go inside, have some tea, and enjoy the rest of Priya’s stay.” My father turned the car off, opened the door and headed towards the house. My mother followed suit, but not before giving me another disapproving look.
Memories of coming home late sunk deep as I opened the car door. I used to fall asleep whenever we drove at night. It was like a switch within my body, and once the car started I was out. Sometimes my father would carry me inside, but once I hit seven it had stopped. My mother always shook me if she got the chance to wake me up, but even when I was too big to be carried into the house; my father would kiss me on the forehead and tell me that we were home. This, once again, showed how different my relationships were with my parents. I had no idea of how I could be closer to my mother. It was a want that hadn’t showed its face before, and for a moment I wondered why. She was in front of me, grabbing her sari from dragging on the ground. She waddled a bit from her swollen feet. Before she reached the door she turned and smacked my cheek. “Why Priya, why? We care so much and love so much and yet you seem to never reciprocate it back. Your father just stood up for you and here you are not thanking him. I am more than upset, I am hurt by you.”
Hurt? This was a new tactic of guilt tripping. She never used the word hurt. Her eyes were tired and watery but there was still that scowl. “Ma, I am sorry, I am very thankful for what Nanna did and how he stood up for me, even though he is not happy about my choice. Ma, please, I don’t mean to hurt you. I want you to be happy and to have a good life. Wish that for me as well. Even though it is not a marriage you would have wanted for me, aren’t you just a little bit content that I have a great job and a man that I want to share my life with?” The wind had picked up a little bit, and it was swaying throughout the trees. It smelled calm, before the storm.
My mother sat on an outside lawn chair instead of going inside. She gave me a look and I sat next to her. Scared to say anything, I looked at my feet. I felt out of my skin, out of my body, why was I so intimidated by her, she wasn’t scary, yet she made me second guess myself so much that it was better to sit silent until she threw the first punch. Then out of nowhere her voice echoed softly, “Priya, you are my first, my daughter. I know you do not abide by anything natural of your sex, and it has always been a burden on me. You are smart and cunning and even adventurous. These are traits best suited for boys, not girls. This however, hasn’t stopped you from being my daughter or even being successful. I worry always of your and Nate’s safety when you go out into the world. It takes a toll on me. This is why, if you stay on the path chosen for you, you can avoid any big disasters.” I gave a quizzical look. “No Ma, it doesn’t matter if you choose the “right” path or not. Life is unpredictable and is short. Wouldn’t it be better to live a happy short life than a miserable long one?” Her eyes focused on me and then she threw her hands up in the air. “I will never understand you, I am mad at you, but what is done is done. You are my first and only girl; you will never know what that means to me. So let us not talk about this matter anymore. Let us go inside and settle down.” I was shocked, completely blown away. Had my mother made a compromise? It was unbelievable, but I was willing to take what I could get. I wasn’t about to ask why she was so agreeable at that moment, I was just going to follow lead.
We both went inside soon after. It was starting to storm pretty bad after an hour of us being inside. I put some hot water on the kettle and began to prepare the tea for everyone. All of us were inside, it almost felt like I was a child again, all the smells were there. The only difference was that I knew my fate and was able to truly pursue it without doubt and without fear. This trip had been one crazy, anxiety ridden roller coaster, and finally it was coming to an end. In a sense I was closing one chapter and beginning a new.
wn
