Fit Over Size: Why Alignment Matters More Than Magnitude
Complexity and Dao Series #13
One of my goals during my trip to China last year was to help my sister find an apartment (for a complete account of my China trip, please refer to the series here). We explored a new phase of development in an established community known as the standard-bearer in real estate in the region. The experience was impressive: a modern reception area, abundant refreshments, and a detailed 3D model of the development. We were even chauffeured by electric trolley to tour two model apartments.
The smallest unit available was 1,600 square feet, with the largest at 3,000 square feet. “You need this space to accommodate a nuclear family and in-laws,” the salesperson explained. This made sense, as multigenerational living is common in China. Yet, for my sister’s needs, the size didn’t fit. Our ideal was around 1,000 to 1,200 square feet.
Too much is just as bad as not enough.
— A Chinese saying
As we left, I reflected: everything is like a pair of shoes — bigger isn’t always better. What matters is whether it fits. If it doesn’t, excess becomes a burden. A Chinese proverb aptly summarizes this: “Too much is just as bad as not enough” (过犹不及).
Similarly, a friend of mine recently declined a promotion into management. “My goal is to be a consultant, not a manager,” she said. Though the role offered more responsibility and higher salary, it didn’t align with her career aspirations. Her decision reminded me of another Chinese saying: “A position that doesn’t match one’s virtue won’t last long” (德不配位，位不可久). This wisdom highlights the importance of alignment between a person’s capacity and their role — an essential lesson in careers and leadership. Misalignment, no matter how grand the opportunity, can lead to burnout or failure.
A position that doesn’t match one’s virtue won’t last long.
— A Chinese saying
How often do people pursue “bigger” opportunities — higher salaries, grander titles — without considering whether they fit their long-term goals? The consequences can be profound, leading to dissatisfaction or even harm.
The concept of “fit over size” extends to social media. Platforms are designed to maximize engagement, often at the expense of mental health. Young people, in particular, are vulnerable to the pressures of comparison and validation. When a post doesn’t receive the expected number of likes, the problem may not be the person’s “absolute value” — their worth or lovability — but the “relational space.” The post simply may not resonate with the audience at that moment.
This understanding could shift focus from seeking external validation to cultivating intrinsic value. Consider van Gogh: his art wasn’t appreciated during his lifetime but later achieved universal recognition. By focusing on what truly matters to them, young people can prioritize growth over fleeting popularity.
When I was younger, I often chose books based on popularity or an author’s fame. Many times, I struggled to relate to what I read, leaving me to wonder, “Why am I reading this?” As I grew older, I began selecting books that resonated with me, regardless of others’ opinions. More often than not, what resonated was what I needed at the time.
The same lesson applies to my writing. Readers who connect with my work do so naturally, creating a wave of resonance. This dynamic, where shared values attract like-minded individuals, highlights why the law of attraction is often more effective than the art of persuasion. Instead of chasing popularity, focusing on intrinsic value allows natural alignment.
This principle of “fit over size” is central to complexity science, where outcomes is believed to arise from relational dynamics rather than isolated entities. My doctoral advisor introduced me to this perspective, which revolutionized my understanding of leadership and systems. It shaped my dissertation, where I found that teachers’ network engagement had a far greater impact on students’ test scores than traditional metrics like educational background.
This insight is particularly valuable for leadership. A team of all-stars isn’t necessarily an all-star team. Success depends on how team members fit together — the “relational space” between roles, not just individual attributes. Leadership is about crafting harmony from diverse elements, much like an artist combines seemingly disparate objects into a masterpiece. This saying describes it beautifully “making a feasible whole out of infeasible parts”.
Focusing on the in-between relational space can also transform how we address challenges like communication. In team science, communication is a frequent pain point. Human-to-human communication is often harder than human-to-machine interaction because of unconscious projections, which are usually part of larger systemic dynamics beyond the interaction at hands. As the Chinese saying goes, “The speaker did not mean it, but the listener interpreted it” (说者无意，听者有心).
The speaker did not mean it, but the listener interpreted it.
— A Chinese saying
When we view conflicts as part of a larger system rather than isolated interactions, we can explore systemic dynamics shaping the issue. This perspective expands possibilities for resolution and fosters compassion by shifting focus away from blame.
Whether choosing an apartment, a career path, or navigating social media pressures, the lesson is clear: bigger isn’t better. What truly matters is alignment — the fit between our values, needs, and roles. By focusing on cultivating intrinsic value and navigating relational dynamics with wisdom, we can create a life that resonates deeply and sustainably, and find fresh perspectives to old problems.
The world is full of oversized shoes. But why chase after a pair that doesn’t fit?
