Question Power

Fishing for connection / How questions have changed my life

Nina Atkinson told me our friend Chelsea Robinson had the super power of questions.

It felt like the strong tug of a big fish on the end of a fishing line. I lifted the tip of my rod, and felt the hook catch. I started reeling it in.

I knew immediately it wasn’t like any fish I’d caught before. It was big, for one. I couldn’t just pull it up, it was too strong. I played it gently and patiently.

With my increasing awareness from glimpses of the beautiful meditation fish, I noticed that with people whom I felt were much much more amazing than me (hmmm…) I talked at them. I’d tell them about something, try and say something insightful or talk about a good thing I’d done. The effect was to push them away, weaken an already weak connection.

I realised that I generally don’t enjoy having people rambling at me about themselves either.

Enter question fish.

I decided to only speak if someone asked me a question, and if no questions were asked of me to either leave space for quietness and reflection, or ask a question myself.

“To be interesting, be interested” — Dale Carnegie

This slowly started changing how I interacted with everyone. Where before I pushed people away with rambling, now I invited reflection and connection with questions and space.

I’m now feel I have the super power of questions:

• I now use questions to help my friends grow, and support them in times of need. “What do you fear?”…
• I now use questions to connect with strangers and discover their goodness and unique skills and wonderfulness. “What are you learning at the moment?”…
• I now use questions to evolve my relationships with my family. “What is important to you in a relationship?”…
• I now use questions to deepen my relationship with my lover. “Am I supporting you to be who you want to be?”…
• I now use questions to learn, and help others learn, and learn to learn. “Try and explain to me what you think is going on”…
• I now use questions to solve problems at work. “What do we know? What can we try next?”…

“Curiosity is the antidote to anxiety”— Chloe Waretini

• I now use questions to explore myself when I feel strong emotions. “Why am I feeling so angry? Where is that coming from?”…

I’ve been playing the question fish for two years now. Like the legend of Māui fishing up Te Ika-a-Māui (the North Island of Aotearoa (New Zealand)), the question fish has turned out to be a new land. I have made my home there, and continue to pull up new, higher mountains and new coasts weekly.

I’ve recently been question training with the wonderful questioner Rebecca Leete. In only a couple of weeks we’ve developed an incredible connection. Spending time around people who ask great questions is a great way to learn.

You know who else asks great questions? Counsellors and Psychotherapists. I’d recommend going just to learn about asking great questions, let alone for the huge benefit of having space to explore with those question gems.

The other day I sat in a circle with my parents and we asked each other questions. It hadn’t happened in years. It was amazing for our relationships. When we went around the circle and I was asked the question “what do I value in a relationship?”, I realised that I hugely value questions. For me, questions create space and permission to share my real, true feelings and my deep thoughts. Often these aren’t pretty, but “Sunlight is the best disinfectant”. I’ve been amazed at how great all the people who ask me questions are at accepting me and my feelings and thoughts, and helping me work through them. Through these questions, I feel that being myself is no longer a scary and vulnerable thing to do. Through these questions, I feel supported, listened to, cared for, heard. Through these questions I feel heavy burdens lifted.

I’m getting huge amounts of good feedback about my questions. From my friends. From my parents. Yesterday from Andrew Crisp, the CEO of Land Information New Zealand.

Thank you Nina, Chelsea, Rebecca, and all the wonderful people who have asked me wonderful questions, and given me feedback on my questions.

I’ve now felt the super power of questions.

And I’ve proven that questions are a super power that can be developed, a skill that can be learned.

A wonderful question is a thing of beauty. Asking questions is a craft. Great questions get to the heart of things — they gently find ways through walls. A great question is about the right thing at the right time in a loving way. A great series of questions explore and navigate a path through the unknown. A great question gives a person a light to shine on their darkness.

Great questions help people open their hearts and minds to love and curiosity.

In learning there are always mistakes — I’ve asked a lot of lame questions at the wrong times. But even a shit question is better than rambling about myself.

Do you ask good questions?

And you KNOW I’d love to hear your questions — ask them in the comments below ;)