For the Developers With Anxiety, and Everyone Else
“There it is again,” I told myself.
That intangible feeling that has no shape or form, that grips you from within the depths of your innards. Sometimes you struggle to name it or pinpoint its origin, but it plagues me almost every day of my life, multiple times a day. I know its name and you may too: anxiety.
We live in a ridiculous world. Traffic, debt, work, expectations, relationships, noise and more that constantly scratch at the back of our minds, taking a piece of you with them each time they don’t live up to your expectations of how they should be.
More can be said about the development world. Every single day, there’s something new: a new framework, a new methodology, a faster process, a new concept and just a load of information, advice, courses and blog posts to better you at your game. You’re in constant flight or fight. One day you’re learning PHP design patterns, the next you’re trying to bend you’re head around Tensorflow because Machine Learning is the new “thing”.
There’s no time to breathe, no time to rest; you need to be able to absorb information, assimilate it and implement it almost instantly, in order to carry on moving forward. Its a life full of reward, but often full of disappointment.
Developers are complex human beings. Online, they can look like the most together and logical people you could wish to talk to. Their learning curves for technology and programming have easily outgrown the trend, and while some shine with confidence and speak technically in front of crowds of people at conferences, run tech-startups that push the boundaries of industry and have rewarding careers they are plagued with a half-life of misunderstanding, introverted tendencies and a constant fight with the mind.
As you can imagine, a mind that is so constantly stimulated throughout the day, solving problems, dealing with clients and being part of a competitive community — it’s hard to switch off.
Its Not Taboo
Mental health is no longer a taboo, and if any human being can honestly tell me that their mind has never got the better of them, I’ll transfer my bank balance to them now. I’m not ashamed to admit that I have been fighting anxiety on multiple levels and to varying degrees for many years now. It’s spoiled memories, fond moments and occasions. In all honestly, mine is incredibly mild compared to other people, but its a burden never the less.
Dealing with Anxiety
So, how do I deal with it? Honestly, most of the time I don’t. I fight it. I force thoughts into my brain that I think will squash the feelings and make me feel better. This works maybe 1/10 times. Isn’t it so amazing that a chemical reaction in your brain can have such a damning effect over your existence? Makes you wonder doesn’t it.
When it comes to dealing with anxiety, I’ve tried it all. Meditation, breathing techniques, exercise, removing caffeine/alcohol. Some schools of thought even suggest that you simply accept the fact that you’re anxious.
I’ve looked into the teachings of Buddhism, journaling and even psycho-therapy. Everything I mentioned above works — in its own little way. Each is a step forward to defeating anxiety, removing a chip away from the bigger iceberg. But, it never really clears your path. As a developer, I find this immensely frustrating. Even though there may be multiple solutions to a problem, I’m used to finding one that solves my problem, and maybe others that solves my problem better. Never really do I come across solutions that kind of “keep-it-at-bay-temporarily”.
The answer? I resort to practicality, to logic. Rational thoughts trump irrational thoughts, and they the rational thoughts in a state of fear may be few and far between, they most certainly provide spots of light in the dark tunnel your face yourself in. Even if they illuminate your path for a brief second, they are valuable.
It was coming — a computer metaphor
Someone once explained psychological problems to me in words that I really could make a connection to. Lets take the idea of a program. A program has a function. All programs do.
Programs can be good, or they can be bad, and as humans we tend to download all sorts of programs, and store them in memory. Much like a HDD or RAM, some programs live on your drive, or they live in RAM, ready to be fired in case of an event or something similar.
As most of you will know, programs have source code, which means they can be re-written, changed, altered and tweaked. Without sounding too much like Morpheus and Neo, we run a lot of programs every day, some we’re not even aware we had installed. They run on boot. The bad ones — virus — infect other programs, maybe older programs, programs that are not so robust to change and cause errors. It is in the error that the anxiety feeds. Thus, if you hadn’t guessed it by now, anxiety is a program too and much like any other program, it can be rewritten, changed, and developed in order to prevent errors and wipe viruses. As nerdy as it sounds, this metaphor really helped me.
Final Thoughts
I can’t sit here and tell you that I have conquered anxiety. I don’t think I ever will. But, in my short time on earth, I have had some face to face contact with it. I’ve tussled with it and fought it, accepted it and despised it and my hope is that more and more people shed life on their own battles. It’s not an embarrassment. You have a very real problem that requires very real solutions. The more people that speak up about it, the more help we will all find. The one thing that helps more than anything is talking to others and finding comfort. If you do struggle with anxiety, I’d be honored to talk to you about it and gauge what you’re struggling with.
Please send me a mail or tweet me using the details below. Or just drop me a message on Medium.
The more we talk, the smaller anxiety becomes.
Email: dainelmawer@gmail.com
Twitter: @dainemawer
