In the distant past, young women were betrothed to men either at birth or to those they have known in their lives. I’m sure some family members will have to keep assuring them that their future husbands are going to care for them and will treat them nicely and with respect and will protect them and will be there for them, going through the trials in life.

I’m also quite sure that these poor girls must be feeling so jittery about what the future lies ahead of them. The unnerving experience of not ever knowing whether their future husbands will really turn out to be what have been described, or at least, meets their partial expectations, was enough to keep the ladies’ hearts on tenterhooks. I guess some of them just live on, waiting while moderating their expectations to the minimum so that they will not be too disappointed if the man turns out to be a jerk. Others may just declare an early bail-out by escaping to somewhere overseas if they have the means to do so. I think perhaps there was also a small number of ladies who might have went on to immerse themselves with a confident expectation that the marriage will turn out great. And back then, some of these couples have had the opportunity to catch up over dinner or tea time prior to getting hitched for real. And this is where everyone’s worries (including the men as well; to be fair, I think some men were worried too if they will get to marry a shrewd!) are kind of addressed, not totally dispelled, but at least, you get to see and interact with the person in real life.

So, what if we can make a date with God and perhaps, Jesus, the Son of God? We hear about God and Jesus’ ministry on earth; Their hearts towards us as little beloved children in church. We read about God in the bible; we read what Jesus said in the gospels. We heard about others’ testimonies on how God’s grace have blessed them and their families. But, some of us are still wondering if when will God ever ‘show up’ in their lives. If anything, I agree with what God has to say about us, human beings with puny brains with severely limited capacity to operate the way God operates. Yet, I still attempt to ‘crack the code’ a little (of course, to no avail). I somehow think that or perhaps God has spoken to me, that God… operates in the opposite way with respect to our normal standards, our so-called reasonable expectations and logic. It’s pretty much like, you want to sit, He asked you to walk; you think going left should be the case, but He asked you to go towards the right; you wanted him to badly to stop the illness from taking away your loved ones, but sometimes, He let them go be with Him instead. So, logically (so I thought again using my puny brain), perhaps, this is how God would operate! Yet, it can’t be. It’s beyond just weird for us to say, pray for your love ones to remain sick so that God will heal them based on this ‘logic’. Again, I rest my case.

The whole point is, I’m seriously perturbed. Of course, well-meaning folks will advise me to quit guessing, deciphering, conjecturing who God really is and just have faith and to trust in His finished work. Then in Hebrews 11:1 NKJV (expounding the whole laundry list of “faith”), we actually see a definition of “faith” — Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. While theoretically, I can understand what “faith” is, but, I struggle over and over again to get to the utilitarian aspect of yielding faith, summoning faith, finding faith in my pockets, perhaps? I ask God this question repeatedly, “so, faith is an intangible substance, do I seek it like it’s hidden under my bed or something, or do I build it by, perhaps, chanting beneath my breath every single minute that “I must have faith, I must have faith…” so that the statement gets branded onto the flesh of my heart? Dead silence from God again.

But, like what others have said, God speaks to you through others, or through some random events or even through your surroundings. So, God might have answered my nagging question about the practical application of faith long ago or, He might have been repeating the answers tirelessly through the countless sermons preached! Here come my next headache (some might call me an obstinate pseudo-believer who kind of believe but yet wonders why). Perhaps I can’t trust myself? I’m not sure if that was God’s answer to me, or it was my own flesh speaking or it was from the devil. I’m sure I’m not the only one struggling in this circular internal arguments with myself. That’s why God says we must have ‘child-like faith’ to believe which for the grown-ups, it’s simply called “naive”. But I must say that such ‘happy-go-lucky’ folks don’t get plagued by these arguments as much as I do. They simply just BELIEVE God. And that’s for them, getting into the kingdom of heaven is so much short-circuited and effortless, unlike me… I guess I have to take an exceptionally long and arduous and bumpy route where often, you just feel like going off-course and abandoning the race.

So, I need God to “show up”. But often, like what one pastor had said, “God sometimes don’t just show up according to our plans, but according to His plans so that He can SHOW OFF!” Ok, well, guess we have to be under the weather quite a bit while waiting for God to make sashay in…I think God is almost telling us that we will be wiser on hindsight. There are a couple of mental habits here, basically centred around the main theme “trust”. God is always telling us, “Give Me the benefit of the doubt” or “have an expectation of good, something positive will definitely ensue”. Many scenes depicted in the bible bring its audiences’ heart to their mouth. One of the famous scenes showed how Jesus was still fast asleep when His disciples were caught up panicking amidst a raging storm! Because Jesus knew what was happening and what will soon happen. His poor disciples, like you and me, were like, going topsy-turvy fighting to stabilise their footing in the boat! Hence, my take is this — as long as we can break through the barrier of knowing with confidence that God knows, then we will truly be free.

Of course I can’t. Who cannot agree with me that the moment by moment angst, frustration, disappointment, bitterness that you feel, these emotions are pounding and gnawing at your heart while you open your eyes in the morning, when you sit at the dinner table waiting for your toasts to be ready, when you switch on the water heater and stare at the shower head blankly. The miniscule moments, frame by frame — every frame bears a fresh scar inflicted by these negative emotions. You can’t ask the pains to skip a few frames though… Sometimes, I find that it might help a little by role-playing Jesus! I often ask myself to be in His shoes. “If I am Jesus, standing right next to myself, I will tell her that I know the way out. Of course you can’t see the way out, because if you can, then there’s no role for me to play as a Saviour to the world!” Overtime, I don’t know if I just gave up, I just grew tired or I just simply let go, whatever you call ‘ it; I just stop asking “why” and “what” to Jesus or to the air around me. I think that this might be what others often spoke about, the essence of humility. It takes million of years (ok, I’m exaggerating here; but I just want to drive across the point that it will take a long time like, eons) for human beings to dismantle their doubts, fear and pride. If you are on a weary journey fighting and defending everyday, then trust me, you will eventually cast out your doubts, fear and pride because, you have nothing left to gain or to lose and you have no more energy and resources left anyway. When you become that trance-like floating entity, then I guess you might have a good chance to really experience God’s immeasurable grace.

Hence, it’s not so simple to just “gather up your faith” or “just trust”. If it’s really that simple, I won’t need to set an open invitation to get God out for a cuppa. Perhaps, I am like Thomas, I just need to feel Jesus for real, to touch His scars. I want to be assured that I will eventually triumph over my raw wounds which have been exposed since and that these wounds will surely heal to form glorious scars in a matter of time, reminding me that I am an overcomer in Christ.

Well, let me go get a cuppa first myself before I send out the invitation in a while.