The Hidden Price of “Being Grateful”
Many years ago, I found myself in a difficult economic situation, unsure of what to do or who to turn to. I was making an effort, but nothing seemed to work.
She entered my life and lent me a helping hand. Without her support, my story would likely have taken a different turn. When I needed to secure my first job, all I received was “no” as an answer. They asked for “experience,” and I, being just a teenager, didn’t have it.
Without being asked, she recommended me to one of her friends, and that’s how I paved my way into the working world. I ate at her house, slept at her house, shared Christmases and festivities, celebrated my birthdays; she embraced me as part of her family.
I couldn’t have been more grateful. No one had ever helped and supported me as much as she did. Throughout our relationship, I tried to repay her in every way I could, to show her how much I valued what she had done for me. I did it in my own way — I listened to her, took note of special dates, celebrated her, and kept her preferences in mind to give her the most fitting gifts on her birthday, knowing how important that was to her.
Although I expressed my gratitude in the way I believed was appropriate, for some reason, it was not enough. Even though I felt thankful, my way of expressing thanks did not meet her expectations.
When we gathered with others, comments would surface where the word “ungrateful” could be read between the lines. She pointed out my flaws or expressed how I didn’t fit into what she expected of me. I never criticized her for this; I just tried to silence myself, tolerate, and accept it, attempting to understand that we were simply different. I remained close despite everything because I not only had to be thankful but also had to show it.
More than a decade passed until a different and difficult request came from her side. To demonstrate my gratitude, she asked me to make an effort to get along with new people she wanted to share with. I disagreed — there was no affinity between the people she surrounded herself with at that time and me. It was clear to both sides, except for her.
Despite my explanations and stating that I should not be obligated to share with those I didn’t want to, she insisted. Her dissatisfaction escalated as the months passed.
She criticized my refusal to comply with her requests, expressing how I was wrong for not wanting to share with her and her group, stating that “I was closed-minded”, that “I was the problem”. In various ways, she emphasized how I was not grateful enough for not doing what she wanted me to do.
During those months, my self-esteem was affected, leading me to question my judgment and my way of being. At times, I truly believed that I was the problem, that it wasn’t right not to yield to her requests, after all, I should be grateful.
One day, she showed up at my house unannounced to confront me about my attitude, to express that I should understand her, that I didn’t grasp her position, and that, if I put effort into understanding her, maybe I would act differently. She yelled her requests, and the fact that I didn’t comply with them hurt her.
Her request did not focus on not spending time with her; she only wanted me to get along with her new group. When I wanted to speak and express my feelings, she left, saying she didn’t want to hear me.
I felt very bad for several days and realized that the situation was affecting me deeply, that this need to do what she asked was out of control.
That day, I saw her behavior as emotional blackmail.
I had patience out of gratitude. I tolerated her offenses and criticisms out of gratitude. I tried to please her out of gratitude.
And then I wondered:
What is the real price? At what point can I say no and not be considered ungrateful?
Despite my efforts to explain my feelings and the reasons why I couldn’t comply with her requests, the complaints and demands continued, and likewise, the word ungrateful always appeared.
After this, I evaluated every detail of this relationship and analyzed what it had become. I sat down with myself to observe how this relationship was affecting my self-esteem, mental health and quality of life.
After many days, with ups and downs and introspection, I came to the conclusion that:
I can say “no” and still be grateful.
I realized that my mental health is priceless. I made the decision to end this relationship and prioritize myself.
I continue to be thankful for the impact she had on my life; I value what she represented in my most difficult moments. Part of what I am today, I owe to her.
I remain grateful, even though our relationship is now nonexistent.
Thanks so much for reading.
