How To Come Out As Gay To The Most Important People In Your Life
Let’s jump back to 2014, a time when the world was not all wearing masks and making sure we stay inside, or at least 6 feet away from each other #socialdistancingpeople. To give you a bit of context, 2014 was the year Ebola was going around, the Malaysian airlines flight disappeared, gay marriage still wasn’t legal in all 50 states, and I graduated high school (real important to y’all, I know). It was also the year I realized I was gay. I slowly started to come out amongst my college friends, and they were all totally fine with it as I went to a rather accepting college and was also in a group on campus called queers and allies, so those people were easy to come out to considering 95% of them belonged to the “queer” part of queers & allies. Now, this article isn’t going to be all about my coming out story, which let me tell you is still happening, and always will, but I am here to help you come out to those people in your life that are the scariest to come out to.
Studies show that when people are asked who the three most important “groups” in your life, most people will say family, co-workers, and friends. So in this article I am going to break down some how to come out to each of those groups so it isn’t as scary as you might currently think.
Coming out to family
Now, for many LGBTQ+ people, often the scariest people to come out to is your family, I know it was for me. I knew I was gay back in 2014, but didn’t tell anyone in my family until at least 2017. In that time I even met a girl who is now my fiancé and we spent the first 2ish years of our relationship pretending we were “friends” around any of my family members. Let me tell you, it did put a strain on our relationship, but she never pressured me to come out and completely understood the situation; and that is one of the million reasons why she is now my fiancé.
Anyways, I’m getting carried away here. One of the best ways to let your family in on knowing you’re gay but not being outright about it is to drop little hints. Some things that I did is I chopped off my hair (stereotypical lesbian, I know), started buying more clothing items from the mens section (they’re also just a lot more comfortable!), and commenting on any news events that were related to LGBTQ things. One thing that stands out to me in particular is we were all at my grandparents for Christmas, as we do every year, and my second cousins who live out in Vegas had just gotten married (they were gay, forgot to mention that one), and my grandmother made a comment about how she doesn’t mind that they’re gay and that whatever they do with their lives to let them, (in hindsight I think she was trying to subtly hint that it was okay for me to come out) and I told her that I completely agree. Just little things like that is a good subtle way to let your family in on some things.
Eventually they will pick up on some things and maybe even get to the point where they just flat out ask you if you’re gay, like my mom did. At first I denied it more out of fear and habit than anything, but that little voice in my head spoke up and was like “Katie, she is literally asking you point blank, just tell her. There will be no better time than right now. Just tell her.” and so I did. I came out to my mom on a night where it was totally unexpected, and honestly, it was probably the best way that it could have happened.
“…If you are coming from an unsupportive environment with regards to your sexual orientation, the best thing to do is to establish your independence. Make sure you have a support network of loving and loyal friends. Make sure you have somewhere to live. Make sure you have an income to sustain you. Place a premium on your life. Always, always place a premium on your life…” — Diriye Osman
Coming out to co-workers
Now, coming out to co-workers isn’t something you necessarily have to do, but if you are someone who likes to chat with your co-workers about your social and personal life (aka, me) then it is something I recommend doing. It doesn’t have to be this big thing like it might be with your family, but maybe just say that “my girlfriend” or “my boyfriend” in conversation might help. The issue that I found myself keep running into was that my partner was no longer my girlfriend, but now my fiancé, and so when I’d say “my fiancé and I did this”, people automatically assumed that it was a man I was engaged to. So a quick little way that I got around that was by saying “…my girlfr- I mean my fiancé, sorry, we just got engaged and I’m not used to saying my fiancé yet…” and I found that that worked out really well, and people would get the gist.
Coming Out To Friends
Now, if you have chosen the right group of friends, this one should be the easiest. If you have friends that are unsupportive, this may be the most difficult one for you. Luckily, my friends were all pretty amazing and so I was never really nervous telling any of them. I distinctly remember a time in college where I walked right up to two of my friends at the time and just proudly (and loudly) exclaimed “I’M GAY!” and they were both just like, “okay?” and didn’t even blink an eye at it. You could choose to do it my way, which is not quite the way to do it for everyone, or you could do it in a more calm sense (which at 19, I was the opposite of calm, at like, all times). You could do it similar to your family where you sit them down or call/text them and just explain. If they have a negative reaction to it, you may want to re-think keeping them in your life. Life is short, so only keeping the people that are supportive of you is extremely important.
In my experience, coming out to my friends was the easiest of the three groups, but I hope for you that coming out to all three of these groups are easy, because being your true self shouldn’t be scary to tell people. If they truly care about you, then they will stick around. They will see past the fact that you’re queer and just love you unconditionally for who you are. I am lucky enough to have a huge group of people; family, friends and co-workers that support me for me, and let me tell you, that is the best feeling in the world.
Lastly, make sure to only come out when you are ready. If you are coming out to a group that you know will be unsupportive, make sure you do have your supportive group on standby for emotional support. But let me tell you, coming out has been the best feeling for me. It was such a weight lifted off my shoulders once I told my family, I honestly cannot even express it. Do it when you’re ready, and trust me, your life will be so much better because of it.
Have a great day ~
