8 things I’m thankful for this Thanksgiving

Photo by Jessica Bristow on Unsplash

It’s Thanksgiving season. That means it’s time for us to all gather round and share what we’re thankful for… then, subsequently, eat everything. Here are eight things that I’m thankful for (in no particular order):

Herman Cain smiled his way into America’s heart, or whatever
  1. I’m thankful that those Now N’ Laters I ate as a child didn’t take my teeth with them. I’m not sure how they didn’t. I made the bad life decision of trying to chew those joints on more than one occasion. Now N’ Laters frowned on being chewed. And having teeth in my head was paramount to me smiling my way into my wife’s heart. Speaking of…
  2. I’m thankful for my wife. She never lacks patience when it comes to me. She constantly makes me want to be better. She is my favorite person.
  3. I’m thankful that Mary J. Blige isn’t solely responsible for all music on earth. Because if she were, none of us would ever know that music could be good. And likewise…
  4. I’m thankful that Tyler Perry isn’t solely responsible for all TV and movie content. Because if he were, none of us would know that humans could laugh.
  5. I’m thankful for memories of the United States having a president that didn’t look like he smelled like cheese. Because otherwise I’d be stuck with only memories of the current president, who looks like he smells like cheese.
  6. I’m thankful that men don’t get pregnant, because that whole ordeal seems like it would be wildly unpleasant.
  7. I’m thankful that my parents had means. They were able to provide me with lodging and meals that didn’t include foods that we were forced to eat back before we were free. Like chitlins. We could afford chicken.
  8. I’m thankful for Lowry’s seasoned salt.
  9. Bonus: I’m thankful that we’re starting to get some of these sexually aggressive men up and out of the paint. Women have been mistreated for a long time. All is still not well, but this is a start. Also, let us not forget that if we are getting these congressmen and senators up outta here, there’s a dude in the White House who needs to hit the bricks, too.

Happy Thanksgiving, friends.