Milk of Pain

by Amanda Hwu and Elizabeth Morales

decolonization
requires
acknowledging
that your needs and desires
should
never
come at the expense of another’s
life energy.
it is being honest
that
you have been spoiled by a machine
that
is not feeding you freedom
but
feeding
you
the milk of pain.
- Nayyirah Waheed, the release

When done constructively, allyship is a never-ending process that requires continual interrogation and a tenacious willingness to sacrifice without recognition. For this reason, it is often difficult to locate models of allyship that one can look up to. It is easier to fall into self-congratulatory models of allyship that do not adequately challenge and dismantle systems of power and oppression. It is even easier to fall into models that reinforce these systems. At the same time, when one begins to take proactive involvement in crafting the methods of their allyship, it is important to understand that not all methods of allyship are applicable to all situations. For this reason, we have put together a guide to help you take the first steps in starting to think about ways to refine your allyship so that you can better serve those you aim to support.

Let’s start with delving into the basics of allyship. If you have privilege that Group X does not, then you can potentially be an ally to this group. The thing is, you don’t get to decide if you are an ally to Group X. Only Group X has that right. Why? Because the members of Group X have the clearest understanding of what they want and need from you. As an outsider whose privilege is nourished by the oppression of Group X, you do not have this understanding and you never will. Therefore, your job is to do as much as you can to understand the experiences of Group X and how to appropriately participate in the dismantling of the systems that sustain their oppression. This is done through actively and unconditionally engaging in acts of relationship building, solidarity, self-reflection, and self-education. While engaging in this process, it is also imperative to bear in mind that the heart of forming a true allyship is selflessness. Allyship is most successful when you do not seek self-gratification or self-fulfillment beyond self-education.

But why go through all this work? Because regardless of intention, we are complicit in the physical and symbolic violence committed towards groups whose oppression serves as the vertebrae of our privileges. If we do not engage in allyship, then we become willfully complicit. If we do engage in allyship, then we can begin to understand how to contribute towards the liberation of those we support. In light of this being a big (and for some, overwhelming) responsibility, we will pose one question that we find essential to ask about one’s allyship and will help you to begin to think about ways to answer that question for yourself. That question being:

What am I willing to give up for the liberation of those I support?

A critical component of allyship is the interrogation of the ways that our privileges shape the ways we understand and interact with the world. In order to dismantle systems of oppression and power, it is essential to dismantle the imprints of those systems within ourselves; imprints that sustain and preserve the “blissful” realities supplied by our privileges. Without this interrogation, your allyship becomes at risk for harming individuals more than serving them. The reason for this is that allyship is about becoming aware of what privilege renders invisible to us. Without self-reflection, you can and will perpetuate the oppression of others. Oppression does not rely upon intention. It relies upon ignorance.

Moreover, your ability to self-interrogate and self-reflect on your privileges allows for you to be better equipped to examine the ways in which your allyship is or isn’t intersectional. Allyship calls for a continuous journey of proactively educating yourself about the correlations and intersections between systems of oppression and power. For example, if Person Y only strives to dismantle racism, they marginalize the experiences and realities of Person X whose oppression is based upon their class, sexual orientation, and race. Without an intersectional approach, you cannot and will not be conscious of the varied, multifaceted identities that members of Group X have and the numerous ways they are oppressed by dominant society. This will result in your allyship further marginalizing various members of Group X.

So what are some sacrifices that allyship calls us to make?

First, our privileges condition us to center our needs, beliefs, and emotions. In your allyship, you must work to decenter yourself. In short, your allyship is not about you. Engage in your allyship without expectation of reward, recognition, or welcome because these three things hinge upon Group X uplifting you. This should never be an expectation of Group X. If someone in Group X is critiquing your allyship, take accountability and commit to doing better. Do not make your emotional reactions, no matter their strength or how well intentioned they are, more important than hearing and understanding them. It is not the job of Group X to comfort you for that places them at service of you. Do not expect people in Group X to educate you. This positions your needs over theirs. If people in Group X have created a space for only members of Group X, respect it. Complaining about your feelings of exclusion or offering the critique that if Group X needs to be inclusive if it wants the changes it demands for re-centers individuals with privileges that Group X does not have. Once again, members of Group X have the clearest understanding of what they want and need from you. When members of Group X share their experiences of oppression, do not attempt to name similar experiences. This brings your experiences to the forefront of the conversation. Instead, ask questions to deepen your comprehension of what members of Group X are trying to relay to you.

Second, our privileges enable us to believe that we have rightfully earned the benefits we enjoy in life. This belief leads us to blame others with less privilege for what they do not have. Through assigning this blame, we render our prejudices and the harm we commit to others invisible to ourselves. And this invisibility is often a source of great comfort in our lives. As a result, your allyship must involve giving up this comfort. Come to know yourself as not entitled to or deserving of the benefits your privileges allow you to reap. Come to know yourself as a person in society that has been socialized to be racist, homophobic, sexist, classist, and more. Take accountability of your prejudices, and do not let yourself off the hook. Endeavoring to critically reflect on the ways in which your privileges have shaped the lens in which you view the world will help you to begin to understand how to craft an allyship that does not harm others and enable your self-validation. The more we come to understand the systems of oppression that we participate in, the more we come to understand how to dismantle them.

Third, in spaces where we have privilege, our silence and inaction protects us. In your allyship, it is critical to shed your dependence upon this protection. If you have been called upon by Group X to speak out, do so unconditionally and without hesitation because there is less risk to you speaking out than to a member in Group X. In the spaces where you have more privilege, strive to understand when and how to speak up when you witness harm committed to those that have less privilege than you. In this effort, though, bear in mind that you are not a savior or spokesperson for those with less privilege than you. In our personal experiences, questioning (rather than calling out) individuals that commit harm can be an effective tactic. Creating dialogue through posing questions benefits everyone involved as it allows individuals to further decipher their commentary on issues without attacking them. Further, it helps construct a space where all will be held accountable for the impact of their words, regardless of intention. At the core of allyship is the notion that being an ally is about creating spaces that foster respect for individuals while continuously questioning how to use your privilege proactively instead of reactively. It is of the essence to understand that your privilege has been a sanctuary for the societal hierarchies you dominate.

Fourth, when we have privilege, our perspectives go unquestioned. Moreover, we are conditioned to believe that sharing our thoughts and presence are beneficial to society. In your allyship, learn to give up your entitlement to validity. Listen to and learn from people in Group X through reading their works and building relationships with members of Group X. Learn to share the perspectives of people in Group X, not your own. While broadening and revising your perspectives, you will hear messages that make you feel uncomfortable. Push into this discomfort. And work to fathom what it means that your choice to push into this discomfort is a byproduct of your privilege.

Allyship is not about perfection. It’s about binding yourself to a process with no end point but with a clear trajectory. It’s about continuously questioning how your actions and privilege affect the systems you are attempting to dismantle. It’s about using your privilege in a constructive manner that allows for self-reflection to be at the forefront of your allyship. And taking accountability when you inflict harm onto those you seek to support. It’s about seeing this process as a responsibility, not a way to absolve you of your guilt or demonstrate to others how socially conscious you are. This is about becoming a person committed to always be doing something constructive and reflexive for the liberation of all in this world.