lost
im sorry i couldnt find you
despite looking in all the obvious places
i tried harder
and harder
but havent felt you beside me
i looked for you in the silent
roped off rooms of kenwood
and in the feel of a crisp
white shirt in the aisles of harvey nics
in the heavy swish of fabric scissors
cutting smartly along chalked dashed lines
and in the clack of a snooker cue
finding its mark to pot the black
i searched in the taste of an
expensive afternoon tea
birthday cake for the distinguished lady
and her doting companions
i looked for you in all these places
and more
but you eluded me
just on the cusp of my vision
just on the tip of my tongue
but then
on the heath
alone with the busy trees and breeze and squirrels
preparing for the long winter days
in a final chanced try
i sit crossed legged on anothers bench
“blowing kisses into the trees”
your music plays in one ear
i settle
eyes closed
and i breathe
and as the opening notes of your
favourite song swell
there you are
i feel you settle beside me
to my left
wrapped in your winter coat
you gloves
your black hat
your sunglasses
removing a glove
you reach for my hand
and take in its warmth
brushing your thumb
over my knuckles
with a start
you push back my sleeve
asking what ive done to my arm
and if its real
stroking the ink
with your wrinkled finger
and i feel you
finally
my body shifts
and settles
and stops
searching
and now
i feel you beside me when i
inexpertly sew a button in place
wrapping the thread around the stem
i feel you beside me when i
fall asleep on the sofa for an afternoon nap
alarm set for just half an hour
i feel you beside me when i
frustratedly scribble through
my spoiled suduko admitting defeat
and i feel you here on the heath
as we rise from the bench together
gripping hands tightly
walking slow
on the soft, uneven, early autumn earth
and taking in the air
and the birds with their song
it took me so long
for i didnt know how to find you
and i didnt know how to be still for long enough
so you could catch up
im sorry i couldnt find you
and i now that i have
dont let go
written 25 and 26 September 2023.
