Exhilarating. Like a longing that's finally been fulfilled. I feel joy.

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away...

Just kidding.

A long time ago, when I was about 19 years old, I was somewhat of a dickhead. I had gotten married to a poisonous snake that lunged and bit at me daily. I had zero confidence, zero faith, zero love. I felt like zero, if that makes sense. The venom of his hate flowed through me in a constant state, reminding me how terrible of a person I was.

But that was a lie, I later learned.

During this time of my life, I was incredibly cynical. About anything and everything and anyone and everyone, especially myself. At the time, I hated religion, despised the idea of god, and denied it every chance I got. I took pride in shooting religions down. When Mormons had the balls to knock on my door, I'd smile, tell them I'm an atheist, watch their demeanor change and slam the door in their face.

Like I said -- a dickhead.

One day, by chance, I came across a particular song. I can’t remember how or why I found it, but the song and lyrics made me feel something. They made me question my beliefs. They told me I was wrong. I just didn’t get the message. I flat out denied the message.

The song faded from my life and I forgot all about it, until I heard it again recently. By chance, it was a recommended song from YTRed. As soon as I heard the intro, the same exact feelings came rushing back.

Goosebumps. Chills. Calm. A rising feeling of pure positive energy, flooding my chest and mind. I know the lyrics by heart, and I sing them with an emotion I didn’t realize was there. I think of my loved ones, the ones I’ve lost. My grandmother, grandfather. My beautiful sister who got ripped away. Those feelings of emptiness — of never feeling again, never experiencing their presence — faded. Out the window like a gentle breeze had blown through me, cleaning out every crevice of my soul.

The black smoke of negativity has faded into the distance, and all I feel is pure joy. A definite feeling. A knowing I have never known before. An ease that makes me wonder how I’ve survived so long when I was so wrong.

This song is like a shudder. I experience it, feel it. It's a masterpiece of work that has tried to show me for years, and I ignored it because of ignorance, ego and a huge lack of faith.

But I can feel these words in my bones. Deep inside my very being. They resonate through me and tell me —

No longer shall you need. You've always wanted to believe. Just ask and you'll receive, beyond your wildest dreams.

In case you’re wondering, this is the song.

How It Ends — Devotchka

And here are the lyrics.

Hold your grandmother's Bible to your breast
Gonna put it to the test
You want it to be blessed
And in your heart you know it to be true
You know what you gotta do
They all depend on you

And you already know
Yeah
You already know how this will end

There is no escape from the slave-catchers' songs
For all of the loved ones've gone
Forever's not so long
And in your soul they poked a million holes but you never let 'em show
C'mon
It's time to go

And you already know
Yeah
You already know how this will end

Now you've seen his face
And you know that there's a place in the sun for all that you've done
For you and your children
No longer shall you need
You always wanted to believe
Just ask and you'll receive beyond your wildest dreams

And you already know
Yeah
You already know how this will end

You already know
(You already know)
You already know
(You already know)
You already know
(How this will end)