Dear World, I’m Not That Big A Deal

The Worldly Cup

It can be a little overwhelming. Every four years two billion people watch nations compete for me with no-holds-barred. I mean, I am pretty cool. I’m 14.4 inches tall and wrought from 18 karat gold. But still.

Oh, it’s fun watching the games. Toned bodies sprinting up and down the field decked out in brightly colored jerseys. Soaring wins, scorching losses, new hairstyles every time. I’m flattered. Really.

But host countries bankrupting themselves in my pursuit? Caesar-worthy stadiums erected in the hot, humid heart of the Amazon? Corruption scandals that would make Frank Underwood blush? As trophies go, I’m pretty darn cool. But think of the lost productivity of the two months that every gainfully employed human streams my games at the office. Consider the summer weekends spent indoors in front of the television.

Don’t get me wrong, I love soccer. Hell, I was fashioned in 1974 as a tribute to the beautiful game. But can we tone it down just a little? I swear the nights in Brazil are louder than the days. Seriously, I just turned 40. A trophy needs to sleep.

Sincerely, FIFA World Cup Trophy