While I’m laying in the dark the reality of life hits me all at once. I’m thinking about money, bills, education, and relationships. My mind takes all kinds of trips as I contemplate what I want out of life. These are the kinds of thoughts that hit as soon as the sun goes down. It’s in a quiet room that the echoes of emotions whispers softly in my ears, creating a vibration of solitude and self exploration.
In the middle of a dark room, on my bed, I’m listening to a playlist that centers me in the midst of my emotions. The music weaves itself around my ears and strangles my throat as I sit in silence listening to everything I’m thinking. The solitude brings me to the ground of reality by showing what is, what was, and what could be. The passing clouds that move across the moon aligns with my emotions as I try my hardest to not listen to my heart’s gentle speeches. The agonizing conversations with self in solitude highlights the emotions I’ve been battling for months on end: neglect, trauma, pain, and depression.
It is on nights like these where I become an observer of the self as I take a night’s journey into my sordid heart. The shady forest of truth, the broken fossils of lies, and the empty rocks made of disassociation welcomes me as I’m a traveller on my own journey. With eyes closed, I imagine myself going back into the temple of life where I’m greeted by a shaman. He says, “embrace it,” as I try to reroute the journey. Embrace the emptiness that you feel behind those nights that you were left alone, understand the sour taste of regret as it burns your throat while swallowing.
Because, in order to heal you have to begin with a vulnerable mountain climb downwards to nowhere. It is a fast tracking journey where you learn that nowhere is actually towards the dawn of morning. But, before you can get there, you must take your bare body alone into the cloak of sadness. Your naked body must scrape the rocks that energy and reality has created. You must feel the scars as you climb downwards, they are open wounds which can not be ignored. It is your responsibility to clean them off with water from the river of serenity. As you bathe, feel the presence of peace take over.
In the morning, the sun shines with warmth as you wake up from solitude realizing the pain from moments before. The sun is made of healing energy, truth resonates from its beams as happiness melts the clouds nearby. But, it is up to you to walk into the dark room, alone, in order to face the demons in your shadowy forest.
I forgot how healing it can be to take time away from everyone in order to gain momentum, all over again.