Written by Tom Koolen
Have you ever felt the need to tell someone about his/her bad attitude during group assignments at your university, or had the feeling that something should go in a different direction, but you decided not to say it because you did not know how to tell them in a good way and did not want to seem like the ‘bad guy’?
You might have heard of the sandwich approach to feedback, which tells you to sandwich the negative feedback between two slices of positive feedback. There are of course several reasons why someone would use that approach, but I very much dislike that method and I would not suggest to serve this sandwich. It is not transparent and honest-you are hiding the true meaning of your message between positive pieces, and you will likely fail at getting the key message across as you remove the focus from it. Therefore, another method will be introduced in this article.
Criticism and giving feedback can be considered as confrontational and as Figure 1 shows, there is a large difference in how this is regarded in different countries. Next to that, Hofstede’s Power distance index shows the extent to which less powerful people accept and expect that power is distributed in an unequal way. A higher number on that scale means that people in that country accept more power distance, which can also a cause for not criticising people who are somehow more highly ranked. Someone from the Netherlands, a confrontational country with a low power distance, is not likely to use the sandwich method. However, also they have something to learn here, as Dutch people can be perceived as too direct with their feedback by their European colleagues.
Let us now first define feedback and criticism, as there is not just one perception of these words and especially criticism has a negative association to many people. In this article we will use the same definition for both words, while still pointing out that there is a right and a wrong way to do it, and they can be used both for showing that you like or dislike something.
The terms feedback and criticism we understand to mean the act of giving your opinion or judgment about the good or bad behaviour of something or someone, with the aim to improve and not to run the person into the ground. Respect also plays a very important aspect here; give criticism in the wrong way and you might end up losing a friend, while the other way around it can increase the trust of others.
If you do not have those elements while you are giving criticism, you are just ventilating your own opinion without regard for whether or not it might change anything, so without a purpose. It is uncommon that this is useful for and appreciated by others.
Now that we got that clear, we can move to the next point which shows where feedback can be used. If you take a few seconds to think about it, you will notice it is all around you. Some examples:
- At work to your boss to improve work conditions.
- At the university to fellow students who are not doing their job in a group project.
- In your relationship to your partner to show appreciation for the romantic evening he/she planned.
Unconsciously, you are already using it all the time and it really is of the essence in order to get things done and not crop everything up until you burst out against a person. This of course does not always go in the right way and below you will find tips and a method to make giving criticism more effective for both you and the receiver.
To give proper feedback, you have to keep quite some things in mind. In some cases you might think that I am saying the obvious, but by explicitly mentioning it you will become more consciously aware of them. At the same time, things that seem to be normal for you are very different for others. Important things to keep in mind:
- Give feedback on behaviour, not on the person. Saying “I think you are a bad person” will not help your case.
- Talk for yourself (Use “I”). It is your observation and not necessarily something that can be generalised.
- Describe the behaviour in question in neutral terms and do not give an interpretation or judgement. So not “I hate you when you do this in public”, but “When you do this in public, I…”.
- Talk about specific happenings and specific behaviour. It should be clear what it is about.
- Time it right. The best moment is at the moment the behaviour is occurring or right afterwards. However, giving feedback when someone is really angry or sad might not be very effective. At such a time you should wait a bit, but this should not become days.
- Focus on the most important thing-pick your battles. A long monologue about all the small things you do not like about something will not be perceived very well.
- Give space for a response and check if the receiver understands what you mean.
- And maybe the most important one: do not just give negative feedback, also give positive feedback.
The three steps to giving feedback:
- Describe the (observable) behaviour of the other person.
- Elaborate which effect this behaviour has on you; what do you think, how do you feel, and what do you do because of that?
- Explain your request; what would you like the other person to start doing? Make a suggestion for change.
Even if you use this method it will not mean that the other person will appreciate your feedback or will do something with it. Receiving feedback also requires a certain attitude:
- See it as an opportunity to learn.
- Do not defend yourself.
- Ask for clarification if necessary.
- Check what you can or want to do with it.
- Let the other know if you are going to do something with it, and if so what.
Now you have the tools to give feedback in the right way and you can start practising it, for example at home, the university, work and in ESTIEM. You can even use this approach to ask questions and give criticism at the General Assemblies of the ESTIEM Council Meetings.
Lastly, do not forget that you can also give positive feedback to someone giving criticism in the right way!
Originally published at http://estiemblog.azurewebsites.net on June 29, 2019.
