If I Only Had A Brain…
I’ve spent most of my life looking for “it.”
I strongly identify right now with the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz… “I’d be friends with the sparrow and the boy who shoots the arrow, if I only had a brain.”
It seems like something exists which can solve every one of my problems, and make me feel happy and joyful and… resolved. For the rest of my life.
Once upon a time that thing was music. I failed miserably in my career.
I thought, ok, let’s give friendship a try. There is no way in the world for me to feel unfulfilled and unhappy when surrounded by adoring friends.
You know what? Turns out it definitely is possible to be unhappy and unfulfilled when surrounded by adoring friends. I tried it.
I worked hard on becoming likeable, developing habits that endeared me to others, and it actually worked; I got a lot of people to like me.
It didn’t help one bit though, I was still depressed and addicted to stuff.
It surprised me that I could get everything I ever wanted for my social life and get bored of it in less than a year.
It was nice to see that I can excel at something I put my mind to, but after that… nothing.
There were often times when I needed to be left alone to recharge my batteries, and I even stopped hosting parties at my place (formerly a monthly occurrence) because being popular was just meaningless to me, almost as soon as I achieved it.
Well, how about girls? I asked myself. I embarked on a relentless pursuit of sex, love, and romance. I got all the sex I could ever desire, and it left me wanting more romance.
I pursued romance, thinking that was the key to my fulfillment. I had several mutual interests, but for some reason I would lose interest as soon as they reciprocated my affection.
Other times a woman was the cold, hard stone upon which I broke myself to ashes.
It just wasn’t working out for me.
What I’m trying to do now is, Faith. I talk to a lot of people who say they found fulfillment through faith, so I’m giving it a shot.
It helps to remind myself that, no matter how pretty a woman is, no matter how sexy she is, I will never find fulfillment in her.
Thank you for listening.

