The New Year list of Diseases
The new year is upon us. It dawns upon this reader (and not just because it is close to 8 AM with no sleep and lots of redbull to compensate for the teetotaler curse) that this century’s sweet sixteen has come and gone. While it was an interesting year (Read: One more year of zero relationships) one has to be super wary of the infections that plague us next year:
The old year diarrhea: If 2016 was a brand of cheap beer which one over consumes before realising that a cost benefit analysis was warranted, then this is the cheap hangover you get the next day. Yes, that dull throb which is sharp enough to feel and dull enough enough never to heal. You will hear your friends talk about the past year like it was an ex they buried behind the house, but you know better. It’s the hangover and the verbal belching of profanity will cease. Eventually. Next year.
New year ADHD: Feeling excited about the new year is very pointless. The quiet reader sits in a room surrounded by one tube light and three bars on the phone while everyone outside is counting down as if we are landing on Jupiter. The only difference between 11:59 and 12:01 is the 8 children who have died of hunger. You are not going to be a different person as soon as the clock strikes twelve, and our calendars end with a different digit. So please for god’s sake, relax.
The anthem ebola: Like Ebola, this one creeps slowly before everyone is getting it. The new anthem- that most popular rehashed piece of four chords with a catchy beat and some firangi girl dancing in a bikini. This is what the kids will be hashtagging and singing along to as the DJ plays it at every ‘End of the year party’. It’s insane how quickly these things replace one another. It’s like every worm infection having a relay race, and at the end of it all you are left asking “Who are the Flaming Lips?”
The new date Alzheimers: It’s hard enough to remember when your girlfriend’s birthday is, now somehow you have the added burden of requiring to know the shift in the digits. You almost get it wrong every time. Somehow the education system takes note of this and strategically places the exam at the very same time you go about trying to get it right. They need to start pills for this. Soon.
They don’t really have doctors for these but if you have any of these diseases of even suspect yourself of having them, kill yourself. There is no known cure.
Writer: Aditya Kovvali
Editor: Harshit Sarin
