Today is my 3rd birthday, it is the day I chose to take my life and didn’t follow through.
There has been a huge amount of discussion around suicide recently and much of it has angered me. It is a sorry reminder that our 24 hour news cycle is dangerous. Our need to have all the news as soon as it happens results in poor reporting and misguided statements.
It has made me question how I have written about my depression and suicide attempt and created fear that I may have done damage to others by writing so freely about it.
There has been outrage when people have said they are angry that someone could commit suicide. It is an anger I understand, I harboured it when my friend took his life nearly 8 years ago. It is an anger born by fear and lack of understanding. If you have not been in that place where death seems to be the only way to remove the pain you can’t possibly understand it.
It was only when I was in that place myself, I saw him sitting next to me and I was able to tell him I finally understood.
When you make that decision you know that it is illogical, you know that of course what you’re feeling will pass but you can’t fathom when it will.
The ridiculous rhetoric about being ungrateful or that others in the world have it so much worse than you doesn’t help. It simply adds to the pile of misery and guilt you are already feeling.
In the weeks leading up to this day I become edgy, I think back to that time and wonder what it was that tipped me over. What many don’t realise is that it’s not one catastrophic event that leads to this choice. It is the combination of varied incidents that gather and grow until it takes but a minor thing to come to the decision. It is a growing detachment and disconnection from everyone and everything around you.
While the suicide numbers are growing, the unspoken statistics are for those that attempt and survive. About 5% of people with depression and about 15% of those with bipolar will commit suicide *. For every successful attempt there will be around 30 people who do not succeed **. In Australia, that is around 76,000 people each year. It doesn’t even begin to factor in those who don’t seek medical attention or those who are considering the act.
I have, for the most part tried to spare myself from reading or watching any of the discussion currently happening around suicide. It is a time that I am too fragile to delve into this issue. Much of it has been so poorly reported without a modicum of understanding for the issue that it angers me too much.
My own experience with attempted suicide and depression has changed me and reshaped my life. It doesn’t take an in depth read of my blog to see that it hasn’t been easy and it has been a continual search for meaning and understanding. I have constantly tried to learn how to ensure I don’t ever get to that point again.
Once again the words that best describe it are not my own, they come from Andrew Solomon. He says, we cannot bear a pointless torment but we can endure great pain if we believe that it’s purposeful.
The last three years have shown me the deepest pain I could ever feel, the wracking guilt that comes after surviving and immeasurable joy. I have learned to take happiness from the smallest of moments.
I have learned that I could not be myself — this version of me that is better than I have ever been — without these miseries.
My pain has shaped me, allowed me to find my way back to life and enabled me to celebrate this day rather than suffer through it.
It has shown me that, we could be ourselves without our delights but not without the misfortunes that drive our search for meaning.
If this post has brought up issues for you and you need help or advice, Beyond Blue and Lifeline 13 11 14 can offer support.
*Source: Insight SBS and Black Dog Institute
