Who am I without bipolar? Do I just drop off a couple of degrees at each end, stop seesawing and find equilibrium?
Do I feel less? Be less impulsive? Do I feel as intensely or feel so numb I can’t breathe? Do I remember to close my eyes rather than stare at the ceiling? Do I still feel excitement and the buzz of anticipation?
Is bipolar a tick on my back that could be pried off or is it a parasite that’s such a part of me you can’t get rid of it without harming the host too?
How much of my personality, my life is determined by my illness and how much of it is just who I am?
Is it simply an easy excuse, my white flag, my get out of jail card? Has it become a security blanket the thing I can throw all blame on? Maybe none of it is bipolar at all and I’m just this person?
How can a person that feels everything suddenly feel nothing? Why am I not crying and clawing at my skin? Why am I lying on a couch not eating or feeling? Why does my body feel disconnected from my brain and my brain like it belongs to someone else?
Why is it still do scary to say it? Will I ever stop being scared that I am too much, just a step away from being told, that’s it, that’s the straw, it’s enough?
Why can’t I get my brain and voice and thoughts to do something to say the words I need to? Why do they shut down, pull the blinds closed and hide?
Why do I constantly see myself in a situation and not be able to do or say what I need to get out? Why do I watch myself hurting people and see their pain and feel nothing? Is this an illness or selfishness, simply self preservation?
Can it be everything at once? Can I be sick and also selfish? Can I ever not have these swings? Can it stop? Can I stop it? Does my brain eventually decide this is as good as it gets and then I’m stuck being a person I don’t like?
Why can’t I say words when I need to, pull back from rage, move more towards love?
Why does it feel that every time it gets worse? That each time is worse than the time before. Is it because there are longer gaps now or do I just get to spiral towards my own personal hell?
Why does it have to fuck with me and let me feel for a while that I’m OK and then sneak up behind me and sucker punch me?
