7 Nuggets of Advice Veteran Burners WON’T Tell Virgins (But I Will)
As a #VeteranBurner, I’ve been asked by BMORG to refrain from telling the secrets I gleaned from my vast experience (attended once in 2014) on the playa. But fuck them!! We’ll #MakeThePlayaGreatAgain by sharing knowledge and telling the TRUTH. Share widely, and add your own #PlayaNuggets in the comments!
- NO FOMO
FOMO is the most common “disease” on the playa, so don’t make concrete plans. Leave your camp the first day and don’t come back until after the Temple burns. It’s called “immediacy” (look it up).
2. Honest Orca
Pack way more water than you think you’ll need — about 37 gallons (salinated) per person each day is recommended — or else the Honest Orca at SeeWorld Camp will die.
3. No Orgies
If you came looking for orgies… turn around at Gerlach. Since 2011, Burning Man is proudly a MOE (Masturbation-Only Event).
4. Law Enforcement
IMPORTANT: If you are stopped by law enforcement:
- Give your (real) name, and show ID if asked
- DO NOT CONSENT to a search.
- Tell them you saw someone “plug n’ playing” on the 9:00 side. This is a felony on the playa, and cops will be forced to prioritize.
- Say, “Am I free to go?”
- As soon as you hear “yes,” get back on your Segway and roll away.
5. Sleep
Sleep is your most valuable resource — in fact, Veteran Burners rest 18 hours a day, and emerge only to “gift” well-rested hugs to strung-out Virgins. Eventually, you’ll learn to appreciate the joy of gifting. But for now, every virgin should try to “gift” your body atop the Robot Heart Bus.
6. Bikes
Your bike is your best friend. Especially after your “best” friends take a shit-ton of acid, blast “When the Levee Breaks,” and eat all your deodorant. No one knows why, but Burners call this “Tutu Tuesday.”
7. MOOP
MOOP (Matter out of Place) isn’t just physical — it’s also the emotional baggage you take to the playa. Bottle it all up and take it with, because you’ll be unpacking it at your therapist’s office for the next 11 months, until it’s time to burn again!
