What “Fine” Looks Like

Very often, life has a way of kicking you in the ass. Two years ago, my circumstances took a sharp turn downward. I made a choice, and it was the wrong one. Despite the damage, it allowed me to shift my focus, and ultimately reconstruct my purpose.

It was a time when I thought I was impervious to everything. I had the “best” grades in college. I had the “best” group of friends. I had the “perfect” job. I had all the awards. It was great. Life was great. It was like Disney World, but real life. I was spoiled by everything that was given to me, and never once realized how much I was taking all of that privilege for granted.

Shortly after graduating college, I surrounded myself with the wrong people. I never thought about boundaries, or having any sort of balance with those that I called my friends at the time. To be frank — I was never taught to hold back with anyone. I was taught to give, so I gave everything — all the time. Mix that with those that only “take”, and you’ve got yourself a natural human disaster.

The bottom line is that I wanted everything to be exactly how I wanted it to be. When it wasn’t, I would work my ass off to make it happen. I was very selfish, and masked that with excessive generosity. What I was actually doing was ignoring how afraid I was of the one thing all of us can’t escape: change. I wanted everything to keep going exactly how it was going. I put every ounce of effort possible to keep my all-access pass to the illusion I called perfection.

Eventually, outside of the comfort of home and the protection of college, it all came to a breaking point. I made a very poor decision that derailed, and in many ways killed, the path I worked so hard to pave. I remember waking up the next morning and legitimately feeling deflated. In fact, I was barely able to move at all. I didn’t speak to anyone for weeks, and deeply blamed myself for my poor judgment.

After a couple of weeks of contemplating all of the why-me’s and what-if’s, I was finally left with “what now.”

For the first time in my life, I was left with myself. I was granted the opportunity to reflect on what I wanted for me, not what everyone else wanted for me. My entire life, I had been told that I “would be fine” without ever knowing what fine looked like.

Here’s what I discovered.

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Understand what is missing.

Funny that in life, the things that are missing are what bring you down. When you think that you’re not attractive enough, or don’t work hard enough, you’re implying that you need something more.

For me, the first step after “what now” was exploring what was weighing me down. What is it that I wanted? Did I want a boring corporate job as any other designer at any other company, or did I want to amplify a voice for a community? Did I want to be with people that were jealous of my accomplishments, or people that were right there with me, sharing my successes?

What I needed was people that were like-minded. I needed to be somewhere where ideas were nourished, and where everyone looked forward to exploring them. I wanted people that weren’t afraid to express their opinions, so that I would one day be able to learn how to express my own.

Slowly, I was finding my voice. I was only missing the choir.

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Put yourself where you want to be.

I knew I wanted to be at Social Tables the second I walked through the door. I was like a kid in middle school who wanted to be with the cool kids. Not the end-up-in-jail cool kids, but the future-leaders-of-the-world cool kids.

During the final interview with Dan, I remember him expressing how much he valued the role of a designer in his company. Prior to that, I worked for a startup design firm and a 100-year-old architecture firm, and that moment was the first time I had heard that sort of validation from a CEO. He wasn’t even my boss yet.

On my first day, everyone was inviting, giving, courteous — any adjective that ties back to awesome. The honesty was so refreshing. I didn’t feel limited or intimidated. I felt encouraged.

I used to think that my dream job was working for the best design firm in the world. But, why be somewhere where you can be what every designer wants to be? Why not be somewhere that applies your skills to something nobody has seen before?

It turned out that my dream job allowed me to say “I want to be _____”, and let me work with people that respond “yes, go be ____, and here’s how you kick ass at it.”

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Stop wasting time. Stop making excuses.

For six months, I commuted from Baltimore to DC, and back. If I wasn’t sleeping on the train, I was working on designs. I stayed productive because I didn’t want the commute to ever be considered a handicap. If anything, I took the extra sitting time to focus on what I could do better.

That’s the whole point, right? If there was any answer to “what now”, it was “be better than this.” I always want to be better. I want to use the time that I have to think of ways that I can improve, not ways that I can get out of achieving great things.

There’s a quote that the brilliant Steve Jobs once said that has always resonated with me:

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“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

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Don’t find reasons to limit your potential. One of the easiest things to do is make excuses. Once you convince yourself of the excuse, it’s like a virus. It quickly takes over your reality, and adds to a pile of other excuses that deplete you of your drive. Realize that it’s just as easy to battle those excuses with goals. I know I want to be a Creative Director. What can I do to get there? What’s blocking me, and what can I do to fix it?

I don’t regret commuting because it was never a waste. It served to solidify the fact that I’m deeply passionate about what I do. I earned the move to DC because it happened when it needed to happen. For once, I listened to that inner voice, which is only getting louder as the goals defeat the excuses.

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What “fine” looks like to me

I can’t tell you how many people have told me how much they hate their jobs, or how much they hate their coworkers. It’s an epidemic of self-sabotage. I always tell them the same thing: If you don’t like something, change it. If it’s a recurring issue, then you should consider adjusting your circumstances. It’s possible. My dad went from being an immigrant janitor not knowing a word of English to a successful board-certified anesthesiologist. Trust me, it’s possible.

I know I’m fine because when my path was destroyed, I got right back up and constructed a new one. The first brick was finding where I fit. Now I have a whole team who’s helping me place those bricks that are paving the long road ahead.

So, what does fine look like?

Fine is when you come to the realization that change is inevitable. Fine is when you’re able to understand that you don’t know the price of anyone’s life but your own. Fine is when your inner voice is being heard and understood. Fine is growing with those who want to see you grow with them.

Fine is being yourself, and loving it.