Bruce Feiler’s Secrets for Happy Families
The search for the perfect combination of activities, techniques, rituals and routines that deliver the ultimate in family unity, harmony and productivity can be like searching for the Holy Grail.
We’ve been told over the years precisely how it’s done — that it’s all about quality versus quantity time or family dinner or game night. But as the rules and recommendations for gender and family roles shift and conflict, families are confused about what it takes to make families work. What might work for one family might not for another but one thing is certain, there are lots of choices out there. New York Times columnist, Bruce Feiler, author of The Council of Dads talked to us about what works for him and why he decided to write his latest book, The Secrets of Happy Families.
EMC: What motivated you to write this book?
Bruce: A lot of books are aimed at the formation of families during the very early years and early stages of becoming a father. This book is focused more on slightly older children
when you’re finished with the Sippy cups and diapers and your kids are five, six and up. Many parents don’t know what to do at this age so I wrote this book to answer questions about that.
Your book, The Council Of Dads, discusses your experience having cancer when your children were very young. Can you talk about how that experience changed your fatherhood perspective?
I got cancer when my identical twin daughters were three. When I realized I might not be able to watch my children grow up, to scowl at their boyfriends, mess up their art projects
and walk down the aisle with them, I was most concerned about my daughters not hearing my voice. As parents we all have lessons and messages we want to convey to our children and I was worried they wouldn’t hear those from me. I reached out to a group of men because I was trying to fill the dad space in their lives. I said: “I want each of you to be one part of my voice. I want you to be Travel Dad, you to be Values Dad, you to be Beauty Dad. But even more it forced me to say: “What other lessons would I leave to my daughters?” That’s the lesson I think many people have taken from The Council of Dads, to reflect on their core values and what they want to convey to their children.
We live not far from the Brooklyn Bridge and every Father’s Day we take a walk across the bridge. It started when I was facing bone cancer and was on crutches. What I learned was, when you’re on crutches you’re forced to go slow. When you hurry, you get where you’re going but you get there alone. When you go slowly, you get there with this community you built along the way. Two hundred years ago in Paris there was a type of pedestrian that would wander the arcade. They wanted to show off that they were men of leisure so they’d take turtles with them on their walks and let the turtle set the pace. This became the greatest lesson I took from that experience that I wanted to tell my daughters. Take a walk with a turtle. Slow down, behold the world in pause. I’ll always be in a hurry and it took the discipline of that experience to indentify and convey that to them.
Did the dads you selected maintain that role in their lives even though you survived?
Yeah, it’s been five years and my doctor told me Monday that I’m cured. We created a community with these men that’s been incredibly meaningful. One of the things I learned is you can’t have enough adults to love a child. I’ve since seen the research while working on The Secrets of Happy Families that one of the predictors of a child’s success and wellbeing is having an adult who loves them who is not their parent. It could be grandparents, an aunt or uncle, teacher or coach or adult friend. Especially as children get older and become teenagers, there are going to be things they don’t want to talk to their parents about. My wife has designated women to fill this role too and my daughters know if they ever have something that they don’t want to talk to us about these are their designated adults.
What are your thoughts on today’s parenting style?
There’s a massive generational change going on. I’ve been looking at data where they surveyed fathers over age forty-five and fathers under thirty about time spent with children, the need to make sacrifices at work and how much stress having a baby put on their relationship. In almost every measure, under thirty dads were more relaxed, welcoming and embracing of being a father than the over forty-five dads. We’re not in the time of Mister Mom or the bumbling dad anymore. Dads today are more involved and moms are working more than at any time in human history. That’s a very big change where everyone can potentially win. Dads are stepping up to be more involved in parenting and moms are stepping away and letting dads do it.
We’ve gone through a lot of debates about moms over the last couple of years. They’re told, “Be strict like the Chinese/be lax like the French.” Because moms and dads are both struggling with work/life balance issues I think there’s a desire for new ideas. What I try to do in The Secrets of Happy Families is respond to what people are saying: “ I no longer want to be told what to do by parenting experts. I want new ideas about how to make teams, groups and families work effectively.” Parents are taking ideas from wherever they can find them — work, family meetings, mission statements, even the world of sports. They’re using exercise, adventure and training techniques to make things work. Parents are bursting out of the idea that they can only take advice from a few areas, like the ideas of Doctor Spock. Those days are gone.
Log on to Bruce’s website to learn more about The Secrets for Happy Families.
