Dr. Stacy and Dr. Joe Talk About Diverse Families and Forward Footsteps: Part 2
Dr. Joe Taravella and Dr. Stacey Bromberg are best friends and co-authors of the Forward Footsteps book series about families with two mommies or daddies.
We spoke with Dr. Stacey in part one of this series. Now, it’s Dr. Joe’s turn.
EMC: What are the changes you see happening to families over the years.
How do they build that strong foundation? Joe: I see dads wanting to become more involved and to have more of a role with their children. I also see many more women wanting a career and balance in life so families are forced to have a plan and discussions about what they’re doing here with these kids and how to share all of the responsibilities that come with having families in this generation. What I see in my practice and also experience personally in my own family is that everyone is trying find their way and manage it all together because it’s really uncharted territory in terms of family dynamics. Everyone is juggling, shifting and moving. If you have a solid foundation, it’s easier to handle all those changes, but it forces couples to work on it together.
It requires facilitating conversations about your ideas and goals for your family. We go from being partners to spouses or living together and then to this new role as mom or dad. That’s often where trouble starts in relationships — when they become a family. They’ve never been coworkers together. They’ve only been lovers or spouses. Raising a family is really a job and it can be a really silly, time-consuming job that’s full of responsibilities. Couples need to learn how to work as a team. I believe that 99% of things get fixed with effective communication.
Are you comfortable telling me what your family is like and how you formed it?
Yes, absolutely. I always knew I wanted a family and one way or another I was going to make that happen. When I found Brent, I asked him, “Do you want a family? Because that’s a deal breaker for me.” He said he did but never thought he could do it by himself. A couple years after we were together we started talking about our family. He was adopted so initially we wanted to adopt and started talking to some agencies. Their response was, “Because you’re a same sex couple the wait might be longer because you aren’t as attractive as a heterosexual couple.” I didn’t want to be discriminated against so we started looking at other means. A friend put us in touch with a surrogate organization and attorney and we went that route with an egg donor and separate surrogate to carry it. We did that twice so we have Sophia who is seven and Paolo and Julia who were born fourteen months later. It was quite an educational process. It took a whole team of people to create these beautiful lives, which I think is wonderful and miraculous. As Hillary Clinton said, “it takes a village” and it certainly takes a village moving forward to foster their wellbeing and growth.
How does your family balance the work versus home parenting balance?
Before the kids, we discussed both keeping our careers and hiring a nanny or me going part time. After Sophia arrived we both agreed it would be best if there was more of a parental presence at home so I worked part-time in my private practice. As the kids got older and our careers and their needs changed, we talked it out and made the changes we needed in terms of day care. It’s a big priority to both of us to spend time involved in their day-to-day lives.
Some would say every family is different. What are your thoughts on that?
I think it’s really important to highlight that every family is special and unique. My family is no different than any other family just because we have two dads. It’s just the way it is and when children grow up seeing different families whether it’s a single parent household or one with a mom and a dad or two moms, or a mom and a grandma, they don’t look at it as: “oh, that’s bad.” It’s just part of the norm for them because they’re exposed to it at a young age. More than 50% of marriages and families end in divorce so we see a lot of single parent households and blended families. People like to think that being a blended family or an adoptive family causes the issues they have and I assure them I hear the same problems and scenarios with two-parent families that are intact.
One of the unique differences I see in families like yours is how intentional you have to be to create your family. Many families start just because somebody got pregnant.
Right. There’s a very deep and strong desire to have a family and a real intent here. And whether it is through getting your children through the foster care system, adoption or surrogacy you know there is a lot of love and passion and finances involved and it is quite emotional. It says a lot about those people who want to be parents so bad they’ll create and follow through on that intent.
Click here to read part one with our interview of Dr. Stacey Bromberg.
