Smart Disruption: Having a Tough Conversation About Unconscious Bias at Work

Authors: Sarita Parikh and Maggie Knoke

We’ve all had these moments at work: Some comment. Some assumption. Something that makes you (on the cringe-y side) facepalm or (on the egregious side) rage.

Here are a few that come to mind:

• He’s so articulate.
• Of course you’re good at math.
• You’re too aggressive.
• She’s too emotional.

Any of these can be perfectly valid comments, in the right context. But… in many modern contexts, they can be unintentionally biased. They can lead you to ask: Did that really just happen? And what should I do?

Recently, we focused on how you might unintentionally propagate bias and how to find your blind spots: How workplace norms and unwritten rules can contribute to bias in the workplace, resulting in cultures of exclusion (rather than inclusion), and making it harder to retain talented employees. We asked leaders to step up and examine their own blind spots to examine (and challenge) workplace and personal norms.

Here, we focus on how you might address unintentional bias: What can you do when you witness biased behavior? What if the bias is directed at you? How do you unravel the context? How do you approach the topic, balancing compassion, reputation, and impact?

Talking about bias is especially hard when the bias comes in the form of microaggressions, judgements, passing comments, or jokes. Despite the mounds of science and evidence, people still reject the idea that we all have biases. Or, more likely, acknowledge that others have biases, but “not me.” We often hear people say things like:

• I don’t see color
• It’s just a joke — you’re taking this way too seriously
• It’s just an individual misunderstanding
• There are mitigating circumstances
• You’re creating something out of nothing

When people believe it, they’ll see it. But if they don’t believe in systemic biases, or their own blind spots, bringing these topics up can damage your reputation. Yet… saying nothing allows these biases to continue. If we want change and we want genuine equality, we must address unconscious bias — we have to get good at talking about it.

It takes real bravery to bring it up, but since you’re reading this article, you probably know that. You’re probably looking for ideas. So let’s get to it.

Here’s how to prep for, and get the most out of, tricky conversations about unintentional, but real, bias in the workplace:

1. First reflect on Your Own Perspective, in Writing

For anything uncomfortable (and that challenges the status quo), you want to spend some time understanding and evaluating what you saw, what you believe, and your goals. A little bit of time clarifying your perspective, up-front, will go a long way to bolster your logic and sustain your fortitude.

Set your baseline before having the conversation: What did you witness or experience? What was the impact and the consequence? How do you feel about it? What does it imply for your workplace, team, culture or customers? You get the drift.

Do your own inner work. Really challenge yourself about what you need to understand better before proceeding. We cannot emphasize this step enough when responding to instances of bias. Process your feelings and reactions privately without adding further emotional burden to others affected by the biased behavior. Inner work is not something that one completes, rather it is a lifelong, ongoing practice — it’s essential to our growth, leadership development and effectiveness.

Clearly understand your mental state. What’s the chatter in your head? What emotions are you feeling strongly? Is your “inner critic” giving you a hard time? If you don’t look directly at your mental state and see it clearly, it may well play out in your tone and approach — consciously or unconsciously — in ways you may not want.

Why are you doing this? What are your specific goals? Your goals might fall along a broad continuum, and you might have more than one. Examples: to be heard and understood, repair to a working relationship, apology, change in policy, fundamental behavior change, creating an ah-ha moment. Consider also your personal goals, things like demonstrating courage, living out your values, making a strong bottom-line case for change, and being the change you want to see.

2. Assess. Is this culture, and these leaders, truly open to the concepts of microaggressions and exclusions?

Don’t skimp on this step, take a good hard look at the situation and the people involved.

• What are the leaders’ track record on receiving feedback?
• Do you have (or can you build) allies who will be important in backing you up during or after the conversation?
• Sadly, you may also have to assess: will you be safe during, and after, the conversation?

If the door is open to coming forward with this conversation, move on to step three. If not, choose your alternative way forward. Only you can decide what actions are worth it and what actions you have energy for, but know you definitely have options:

• Fight it. Choose to engage anyway, and work on breaking down the cultural or personality barriers to engaging in feedback, expectation-setting and change. This option might mean you’re in it for the long-haul. (Heck, maybe you love that challenge!) Before you do anything, don’t bypass the “what and why” work in step one — write down what you’re fighting and why. Know there will be setbacks. If you fight it, fight it inspired, and revisit your “why I did this in the first place.”
• Tolerate it. Sometimes, this is a sensible choice due to personal circumstances, safety or other factors. Not every battle needs to be fought. And you can’t fight every battle. If you tolerate it, believe that we’re rooting for you and trust in yourself.
• Cut your losses and leave. Taking a new role or even a new job in a different company might be the healthiest choice, or the option with the most opportunity. It’s important to note that even if you leave, “they” don’t win and you’re not giving up. When leaders and influencers in a company routinely contribute to bias and unpleasant cultures, talent will leave over time. Although the good guys don’t always win, over time, companies that support subtle or entrenched bias will lose. If you leave, know that your future and your values are worth it.
• Ban, block or mute. These can be important tools for maintaining boundaries and establishing new expectations for positive behavior. When you have the authority and control to do so, remove people from your / the team’s environment until they demonstrate they will cease problematic behavior. You don’t have to be a leader of people to claim this authority either. Some examples: un-invite from standing meetings, block or mute on social media and slack channels, politely decline future collaboration. If it’s a stakeholder or client, insist the department head assign a new team member or point of contact. You can set boundaries, and you can empower yourself.

3. Remember the Basics of Human Nature.

People will hear and internalize your message better, and be more willing to engage in dialog, when both their and your psychological-safety needs are met.

Don’t skip the basics. If you want to have impact, you must internalize these. Be on high-alert for these common, but ineffective, tactics:

• If you come in with an accusation, or angry, or sarcastic, you will most-likely trigger someone’s defense mechanisms. You can expect a tit-for-tat.
• When someone is triggered to anger or self-defense, their logic skills often degrade quickly.
• Instead of anger, maybe you’ll trigger shame. If you want sustained and true change, shame doesn’t work. (Thank you, Brene Brown!) Neither do disdain, contempt, dismissal and ostracism.

As you think about human nature, keep in mind that few people (especially in professional environments) are actively trying to propagate bias. Every one of us has personal experiences (and lack of experiences), unconscious biases, assumptions, ladders of inference, and cultural norms. Holy expletive, it’s a lot. We don’t list all of these factors to deter you from speaking up. Rather, understanding the factors might help to generate a bit more compassion. And compassion goes a long way in difficult conversations.

You already know the most effective ideas, but you have to be diligent about sticking with them:

• People need to feel a sense of dignity and respect. People want to be heard and understood.
• Keep empathy and remember that we are all human. Growth mindsets lead to stronger outcomes. We’ve all said and done cringy things. We can all grow.
• And remember that you can be the thermostat, instead of the thermometer. Maybe write this down on a small sheet of paper to remind yourself.

Fostering these ideas, in yourself and with others, is an act of continuous growth. How many of these can you foster, even for people you disagree with?

4. Prepare for your personal psychological strategy

These conversations can be difficult to predict. You don’t know, for sure, how they’ll play out in real-time, and you can’t predict the longer-term impact. It helps to prepare yourself for a few scenarios, ranging from the earnest “I don’t get it” response to deliberate cheap psychological tricks.

You’ll want to approach conversations with a sense of curiosity, and also, apply healthy boundaries. Be careful not to overload your own empathy. When you hear why someone did what they did (“I had a really terrible day”), go ahead and empathize. But don’t forget that bias in the workplace still needs to be addressed..

Stand firm against devil’s-advocate behavior. If you’re working with people who consider themselves objective, data-oriented or “black-and-white-but-little-grey” thinkers, there is a reasonable chance that the table will turn and you’ll hear that you are making a mountain out of a molehill or focusing on the wrong thing. You might get thrown simplistic, false equivalencies. These are dangerous rhetorical tactics, often used to reinforce a biased status quo, and this act of dismissing, or counter-accusing, can be startling. If you find this happening, don’t take the bait. Return the conversation to the problematic issues you’re addressing. Stand firm in maintaining that the biased behavior and their consequences are real, and require awareness and change. And sometimes, you might learn that this colleague isn’t ready for this conversation. We refer you back to step one above — it’s a good time to assess your options in your environment.

Focus on impact. Impact is much more important than intent. People often cite their “good intentions” defensively, which turns the conversation into a referendum on intent and moral character. Frame your information to keep the focus on the actual behavior words, actions & policies at play — and their impact.

5. Get (the Right) Second Opinion

Leverage a savvy friend, a mentor or your personal board of directors to review your perspective. They will want to understand the context, your response, and your framing. Always have specific and high standards for the people who advise you: You’re looking for trustworthy critical thinkers, knowledgeable on the topic, and who give useful and actionable feedback. Avoid yes-men and colleagues who love to vent and pile on — this can create an echo chamber and doesn’t foster change. Seek people who can best help you analyze and strategize.

Work with them to assess your response for

• Goals (reasonableness and achievability)
• Soundness of strategy and effectiveness of tactics
• Tone and framing
• Blind spots
• Assumptions you’re making
• Your likely impact — vs intent

6. Plan the Conversation

Plot out what you want and need to get across, and know your minimum bottom line. Consider the following:

• Duration: Will this be an ongoing journey or a one-time intervention?
• Size: Is this a big or small conversation? What’s the smallest effective conversation you can have? (Remember human nature — when a person feels threatened or that they’ve made a mistake, they don’t process new information as well. Don’t try for too much in one conversation.)
• Framing: Curious and seek-to-understand? Firm and no-nonsense? Partnership/allegiance? Something else?
• Style: What is your counterpart’s communication style? How will you manage defensiveness and foster buy-in? How will you manage yourself? Consider jotting a reminder to yourself that you’ll see during the conversation (e.g., be the thermostat or calm and collected).
• Empowering Questions: These get people talking and keep people engaged. Use questions that start with What, How, When Where, Who…but avoid Why as it’s often read as accusatory (at least in the U.S.). Be hyper-vigilant about passive-aggression coming from you. Avoid questions that can be answered Yes or No…because often that’s all you’ll get.
• Future-focus: You might try “feedforward” instead of feedback. This frames the conversation around expectations for the future, or what would be “even better if…” instead of only pointing the finger backwards to what was done wrong in the past.
• Active listening: What do you need to do to stay highly mindful during the conversation and listen actively, without thinking through your response while others are still talking?
• Success: What is the successful outcome, and how will you frame that for your counterpart? What is your ask, call-to-action or core takeaway? What are clear next actions that need to result from the conversation, and how will you establish them? How will you measure the change you want to see?

7. Have the Conversation

You got this. Really.

8. Afterwards, Decide What’s Next

If the conversation went well: How will you recap to all the relevant stakeholders? What next actions were agreed to, when are they due, who owns each action and what does accountability look like?

If the conversation went poorly: How will you (or will you) recap to all the relevant stakeholders? What damage control needs to be done? Head back up to the action choices in Step 1 and decide what you want to do next.

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Is this a lot of preparation for a single conversation? Yes.

Is it worth it? We hope your answer is yes.

Good luck and, if you try these techniques, please let us know. We’d love to hear about your experience.

Sarita and Maggie