11 Things that Red Wine Drinkers Understand Way Better than a White Wine Lover Ever Will

It’s not black and white, it’s red and white. Don’t even get me started on Rose.

Which is which? I don’t know anymore.

I’m not a doctor, or a wine maker or even a wine expert. But I will drink 11 glasses of wine, just to make a list for you.

  1. Mouth Stain. We all know that the major difference between the two wines is the color. But white wine drinkers will never understand the pride one has after several glasses, as it becomes displayed prominently all over your mouth. This is not just a natural lipstick, as it will shade only the least attractive parts of your lips as well as your gums and teeth. The good news is, if you’re starting to stain it’s a built in sign to tell you to STOP drinking and go to bed, or get to work — whichever.
  2. Talking about tannins. If you don’t know what tannins are, it’s probably because you’re a pathetic white wine drinker. Tannins are the thing that make wine worth drinking. They can also be found in tea. It’s the stuff that coats your teeth, which doesn’t sound appealing, but it’s a great thing to be able to talk about with fellow wine drinkers because pain is beauty.
  3. An appreciation for aging. Some white wines may buck the trend, but most of them should be consumed within a year or two of being bottled — they’re only good when they’re young — much like Hollywood would have us believe about actresses. Red wine, however, is often better with time. Of course, there are some reds that don’t age well, but most of them get sexier as the years go on, like Idris Elba, or me (don’t worry, I’m drunk!).
  4. Steak. What are you, an idiot? You’re not gonna drink white wine with your steak. Don’t be stupid.
  5. Resveratrol. When your wine has it, then you don’t have to spend a lot of money on face creams that do — just pour a glass a day over your face (with your mouth open). White wine doesn’t have that.
  6. Polyphenols. Sounds good, doesn’t it. Who knows? I’m on my 6th glass of wine.
  7. Carpet-free living. The thing about red wine, is that it will stain whatever it lands on if it spills. So, you can’t have fancy carpeting in your home because after several bottles you’re bound to make a spill. It’s much better to live without those bacteria cesspools anyway!
  8. No whites before Labor Day, or after it. Speaking of stains — your clothes will see some of the color from your glass as well, and if you are a sloppy drunk, you’ll just want to avoid white altogether — on the plus side, you don’t have to worry so much about bleach anymore — or committing a fashion faux pas.
  9. Black Grapes Matter. I’m sorry. Have another glass of wine with me and we can move on to number 10
  10. No refrigeration needed! When you get home from the liquor store with your case of wine, you don’t need to wait until you’ve chilled your bottle to start drinking. You can just pop it open at room temperature, and then by the time you’ve pulled out your glassware, that should be enough time to have let it breathe.
  11. GRAND SIZED GLASSES. Jules Cobb, Olivia Pope, Meredith Grey, and every other Shonda Rhimes character knows the importance of a big old glass of red wine. It looks sexy and tastes amazing and it will help you solve the problems of the world.
  12. Someone get me a bucket?