35 Things Every Woman Should do by 35

A Definitive Flow Chart — see what I did there?!

I turned 35, and now I know ALL of the things!

OK, so I’m starting at 1, because I’m 35 now, and I know if I try to do it backwards I won’t. So, let’s call it a count UP. Great. Thanks.

1. Write a list. Or even a listicle. They’re great for getting things done, for remembering all of the states in the country, for realizing how few countries you can name in Africa, for playing games, or for getting that internet money. If it’s a goal-oriented list, you get to cross things off. So thrilling. Every woman should do this by the time they’re 35, 70, or — never. I don’t know your life, so do whatever you want.
2. Get a Professional Massage. Some people do this at a very young age, because they are lucky and/or rich. For some of us, it might not happen until we’re on Senior Year Spring Break in Las Vegas. For others, it may be even later than that due to financial circumstance, or never at all. There are even people who just don’t like to be touched by anyone. Either way, what I’m saying is that it you can afford to and you would like to, then you should do it — whatever age you are. But most importantly, I don’t know your life, so do whatever you want.
3. Wear a Skirt. Can you believe that there was a time when you could only wear a skirt or dress if you were a woman? Like, you were not allowed to wear pants! It’s like AAACK! Please don’t take my Lololomens away, am I right?! Anyway, what I’m saying is that you should give your body a chance to move freely under a great and flowey skirt — or feel sexy, bound by one of those pencil things. Unless you hate skirts and never want to wear one. In that case, don’t. And you don’t need a reason. Those who fought for our abilities to wear whatever we want, would wrap me up in my mumu if they heard such nonsense. I don’t know your life, so do whatever you want.
4. Lose Weight. Because it’s a natural function of being human. I’m not advocating dieting, I’m just saying that if you’ve never lost any weight at all in your entire life — like not even a pound or a stone or a gram or whatever measurement of weight you use, then you should see a medical professional because you are a marvel.
5. Experiment with Drugs or Alcohol. Unless you don’t think you should because of family history with abuse, or if you are on meds, which would not play well with those things, or if you have a brain or body chemistry that makes that a bad idea, or if you have spiritual reasons not to, or if you just don’t want to lose control of yourself, or you’re allergic to any of those things, or any reason at all. I don’t know your life, so do whatever you want.
6. Sit up Straight. Uncross your legs, and plant your feet firmly on the ground — toes, balls, heels. The back of your butt touching whatever is at the back of the seat. Your back curved just enough so that your shoulders are in line with your hips. Lift your chin. Now, if you do this often enough, you will feel better about a lot of things — but mostly your posture. And, generally speaking, I’m a strong believer of standing and sitting up straight — especially on the subway. Not because it’s a social construct like crossing or widening your legs, but it’s a construct of the human body. The more you hunch over to play Candy Crush, the more your body will punish you. However, if you can’t do this for a variety of reasons, which include shame put upon you by others or medical conditions that mean you physically cannot sit this way, then don’t. At the end of the day: I don’t know your life, so do whatever you want.
7. Floss. Look, if you need to use the emptied veins of a rat to accomplish this, that’s fine. But, unless you don’t want your teeth — you must do this. Humans have figured out ways to do this since the cavewomen, they just weren’t using Oral B, so find a way to make it happen — toothpicks are a decent substitute if needed. Of course, if you don’t want your teeth, I will not judge you. And if you already don’t have teeth, then skip this one — obviously it’s not for you.
8. Tell your friend(s) you love them. Whether real or imaginary or animals. Tell them in whatever language works best. Everyone will be happy that you did.
9. Go to a Concert. You should probably go when you’re much younger or much older and you don’t have a problem with such loud sounds, but some people are into that their entire lives, which is cool too. Music should be appreciated live, though. So, whether it’s on a subway platform or in Carnegie Hall, you should have that experience at some point in your life. This way, you’ll always know what you’re missing when you’re not at a concert. Of course, if you hate music, then skip it. If you’re deaf, then you may enjoy the vibrations of the music, but I don’t really know, so do whatever you want.
10. Walk Around Naked. I realize that not everyone will have a chance to live alone in their life, but you should have at least one day in your life where you can just walk around naked. Unless, you don’t ever have that day, perhaps because your homeless, or you can’t walk, or you just don’t ever like being alone, or even just naked for that matter. I think you should try it if you can, but like, I don’t know your life, so do whatever you want.
11. Move. If you have an address you’ve never moved out of, you should. Everyone should understand the joy and pain that comes with moving your life from one place to another. And if you don’t have an address, then you can consider yourself always moving, so you still hit this one, and if you don’t ever want to move or you can’t for any number of reasons, that’s fine too. We all have different lives, you know, so do whatever you want.
12. Have a Great Resume. If you’ve worked from the time you were out of college or before that, then you should have built up a great resume that’s easy to read and pass along. Unless you’ve never been taught how to put together a resume and you haven’t worked that long or perhaps you don’t need a resume because your family is super rich and you’ll never need to make money like that. I don’t know your life, so do whatever you want.
13. Exercise. If you’re physically capable, you should try it out. You don’t need to join a gym or do anything special, but you should move your body somehow at some point in your 35 years. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to do it often, but you should at least know how you feel about it. And if you’re not physically capable, then you can cross this off the list in your mind and move on to 14 — that one is meant for all.
14. Treat Yourself. We all deserve a little pampering. Whether that’s a massage by the pool, mimosas on the yacht, OE on a stoop, BEC from a bodega, or simply not telling ourselves we’re bad or not worthy. Treating yourself is another phrase for self-care and it comes in many shapes and forms. You don’t have to pay to treat yourself, sometimes you can just treat yourself nicely. This one I insist upon trying more than once every 35 years.
15. Cook or Prepare Food. I realize there are many diets, budgets and lifestyles out there. But we all must eat, so we all should know how to prepare food for ourselves to eat — unless you’re actually unable to do so. In which case, that’s cool too. You know, I don’t know your life, so do whatever you want.
16. Sleep. I don’t know the actual numbers, but if you don’t get a certain amount of sleep within a certain time-frame then you will die. And I’m pretty sure that if you want to make it to 35 years old, then you need at least 35 hours. I won’t tell you how much sleep you should get, cuz I don’t know your life or your brain or anything, so just sleep if you can, when you can.
17. Shave. Our bodies are a wonderland to be photo-shopped and cuisinarted and masturbated to and such. If you do not shave you will not be loved. Everyone will hate you and you will die. JK LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Fuck that noise! If you want to shave, do it. If you don’t, don’t. You’re as beautiful or ugly as you want to be — and neither of those is reliant upon shaving or not. Live your life.
18. Befriend a Stranger. Growing up in New York City, meant that I did this all my life, because I would be in all sorts of situations where I was suddenly having a shared experience with a random stranger. Often these interactions are wonderful and beautiful, but often they are not. Of course, if you don’t generally like people, can’t leave your home, etc, etc, then don’t do this. I don’t know your life, so do whatever you want.
19. Babysit. See how you feel when you’re responsible for someone else’s pet or child. Do you feel relief when you give them back, and think: I could never!? Then maybe you shouldn’t have kids or pets of your own. Then again, maybe they just have shitty kids or pets. Or also, maybe you don’t actually ever want to do this, or you can’t actually be put in charge of the life of another being — don’t babysit if that’s the case. It doesn’t make you more or less of a person.
20. See a Therapist. Sorry — this is on my own to-do list. See, even I’m not perfect. Actually perfect isn’t a real thing, so whatever.
21. Dance. There’s so much freedom in dancing! You can express whatever you want to in your own body’s movement. Even if you just imagine that you’re dancing, you’ll feel at peace. Unless you hate dancing. Then don’t dance. It will make you unhappy and I don’t know your life, so do whatever you want.
22. Kill Something. An ant, a fish, a chicken, a pilot light, a bad idea, a great idea, your hopes and dreams, this joke. The list is endless…until you kill it. If it’s a person that you kill, then you should probably run? I don’t know your life, so do whatever you want.
23. Find Romance. As RuPaul says, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you goin’a love someone else?!” So, get married, if that’s your life path, find a thruple that will have you, if you’re more into polyamory, don’t ever get involved with anyone else if you generally hate other people’s company. But do find romance with yourself. That can be whatever romance means to you…take yourself out on a date, come up with the perfect playlist that brings you joy, touch your body, think of your favorite thing and do it, if you can. OK, so maybe this is just Treat Yourself all over again, but so what? You deserve it.
24. Open a 401(k). JK JK JK LOLOLOLOLOL I mean if you CAN, definitely do this. But, like, so many people can’t by 35, and that’s OK, too! Just tell people you have one and when the conversation goes past Roth IRA, just excuse yourself and run to the bathroom. Or don’t, I don’t know your life, so do whatever you want.
25. Gain Weight. Because it’s a natural function of being human. I’m not advocating binge-eating, I’m just saying that if you’ve never gained any weight at all in your entire life — like not even a pound or a stone or a gram or whatever measurement of weight you use, then you should see a medical professional because you are a marvel.
26. Stay Up All Night. I know this seems like the opposite of the whole sleep thing, but you should try this at least once in your life, unless you’re physically unable to. Or mentally, or emotionally — take care of yourself is what I’m saying this is just a stupid list I wrote! And you may not even know me! BUT, if you are able, I suggest that you try this at different stages in your life, because you’ll find it becomes progressively difficult/painful/damaging/hilarious. Then again, I don’t know your life, so do whatever you want!
27. Travel. There’s so much to see in the world. And it’s so much easier to understand others when we actually see how people live outside of our own little worlds. And I even mean that as a city girl. Before I spent time outside of New York, I didn’t know what it was truly like to be in a small mountain town, or Spain. Of course, you may not be able to travel, in which case you should read about traveling, unless you can’t read — of course, then you wouldn’t be reading this? Unless this is the audio-book, in which case — who is reading the audio-book? And am I getting money for it? I don’t know your life, so do whatever you want.
28. Buy a Home. JK JK JK LOLOLOLOLOL I mean if you CAN, definitely do this. I hear owning your home has some perks, like being able to throw out the doors from your closets, if you want. But, like, so many people can’t do this, especially in New York City, and that’s OK! I can’t even pay for my rent alone. I have to let strangers sleep here just to pay the bills — and even THAT is lucky. Some people will never have to worry about this because they live in a place where they can just make their own home. Some people will always live in someone else’s care. Some people will be fortunate when they find any shelter at all, the important thing is that I don’t know your life, so do whatever you want.
29. Go to Church. You don’t have to be Christian, or religious, or even spiritual, but you should see a church and understand what a church service is like. Unless you are of another religion and that feels wrong to you, then you should go to your own place of worship. Or if you don’t want to get involved in that at all or if it’s triggering for you, or inconvenient, or impossible, or whatever. You know what? IF you want to, you should do this, but if not, then skip it. I don’t know your life, so do whatever you want.
30. Donate Money or Time. We always feel better when we give back to others. Find a cause that you believe in and support it, either with your time, your skills, or your money. Unless you can’t afford to donate any of those things, or you’re physically incapable of doing so. Those are also possibilities, because I don’t know your life, so do whatever you want.
31. Build Something. Whether it’s putting together a piece of furniture, a frame, a bathroom, or a home, use your hands to make something from other thing(s). And if you can’t do that yourself, make someone else do it for you. I don’t know your life, so do whatever you want.
32. All Men Must Die. Just kidding. Or am I? You don’t know my life, do whatever I want.
33. Drive a Car. Also, on my to-do list. OK, wait actually, I did drive a car one time, when I was 18 and in college. I drove a friend’s car for about 5 minutes in an empty parking lot in upstate New York. I was told that my lessons were over after that. So, what I’m saying is — can I get a lift?
34. Ugly Cry. Look, the truth is that I don’t know what Pretty Crying is, and I realize that not all people create tears equally, but just as you must give yourself the opportunity to be taken care of(by treating yourself — member?) you must also give yourself the chance to let go. Let go of your pain. Maybe you can’t let go of all of it, but you must try to let go of some of it — even if that includes a bang on a wall or a scream in the air. Some of us may be afraid of overindulging in this for fear of losing control, which I understand. But you can give yourself one — in 35 years, one chance to let go — even for a second.
35. Understand Privilege. The more we have the harder it is to see. The more you lack, the better your understanding of this thing, and so you already understand where you stand on the privilege scale. I have a ton, including the privilege which allowed me to write a list of 35 things in an air conditioned Manhattan apartment on a Friday night. And it is my privilege to leave you with these words before I go drink wine with Italian men: I don’t know your life, so do whatever you want. But, I hope you have moments of joy, and moments of pain, and moments of laughter, and moments of tears, and friends, and family, and loved ones, or some variation of those things. And if you don’t yet, I hope that one day you do. I love you — seriously, just for reading this.

I LOVE YOU.