85 People Between 80 and 5

If you’re not on this list — -consider yourself off of this list.

These are people, people who love lists of names of other people.

It’s the end of the year — the time when the lists come out to play. You know all of the lists that tell you who WAS who and what WAS what of the last year. This is not one of THOSE lists. But it is A list.

1. Adrienne Cooper, 35, New York City: Yes, this is me. I am she. Look, if I’m making a list of people, then why not start with the one that’s closest to me — myself, also I. Plus — people like me. Except for the people who don’t like me, and also those who don’t know me. Either way, I am on the list.
2. Andy Bustillos, 29?, New York City: As soon as I started writing this, I received a notification from Facebook that Andy would not be attending BYOT tonight. BYOT is a show at the UCB East, and I will not explain any of these acronyms to you. Also, I THINK Andy is 29? I don’t remember and we did just talk about it recently so I feel like an idiot.
3. Stephen Colbert, 53, New York City: He is not a perfect man, and he doesn’t need to be on any more lists, but he’s on my TV right now, and I love him. So, he is on my list.
4. Daryl & Mindi Hirsch, Unkown Ages Between 5 and 80, Questionable Current Location: This couple just followed my Food Tour Company account on Twitter. They are travelers and eaters and they operate a website/blog/internet presence, called 2foodtrippers. Their Twitter account says they’re currently in Slovenia, their website says New York, and their Facebook would suggest London. I don’t know them, but I think they’d make great spies.
5. Ana Defillo, 21–31, New York City: Ana is a friend of mine. She’s a comedian. She asked if this list was a comedy list. I told her it’s a silly list. Now you can see that she’s on the list. Are you on the list? There’s only one way to find out!
6. Gilda Wabbit, I would never presume the age of a lady, New York City: Gilda is a drag queen in New York. We met at NYC Gay Mecca: Fire Island. She does so many events that I would like to go to, including Drag Brunch at L&W Oyster…one of these days, Gilda, one of these days.
7. April O’Neal, Older than me but definitely younger than 80, Albuquerque: April and I were roommates in freshman year of college. We used to laugh like crazy together. She’s got two kids and lives in New Mexico now, so it’s been a while since we’ve seen each other, but she deserves to be on this list.
8. Tom Cruise, 55, Hollywood: Tom is an actor. He is also a Scientologist. Scientology is a CRAZY, CRAZY, CULT. But it does pretend to be a religion. Even though it’s definitely a cult. It was created by a rejected Sci-fi writer who benefited greatly from his white male privilege and his prolific writing career. Cruise is a good actor, but he’s also still apart of a cult, so…just never forget that.
9. Nicole Francois, 37, Portland or New Zealand: Nicole is my cousin-in-law…or just my cousin? She’s married to my cousin-cousin Jess. I was at their wedding. It was wonderful. It was in San Diego. They have an adorable little boy, Asa, who I’ve still not met yet! And they’re supposed to be moving to New Zealand for a few years because my cousin Jess is a tech nerd who’s gonna go do educations there…maybe.
10. 50 Cent, 42, New York City: 50 Cent is a man of many hats — true story, he owns a company that makes hats. He grew to fame as a rapper, did some acting and now he wants to take over the world. He’s even stepped into the world of comedy, which I take some offense to, but won’t get mad about it until he puts together a cooking comedy show. Then we’ll have real beef. All puns are intended.
11. Jewel Elizabeth, 30-ish, New York City: Jewel and I met during an advanced study sketch class, at Upright Citizens Brigade. She became my muse for a parody Olivia Pope Sketch, where she played Yvonne Pope, Wedding Fixer. Funny fact about Jewel is that she never changed her FB profile IP so it’s just a random sequence of numbers! HA! COMEDY!
12. Mark Levy, 32?, New York City: Mark’s profile, on the other hand has the number 85 after his name, which makes him perfect for this list. Also, I am assuming that means that he was born in 85, and I think is birthday has already passed this year, but I’m not 100% sure. Mark is the Head Concierge at Alamo Drafthouse NYC. He’s also a comedian and a really great person.
13. Kimberly SPARKLE Stewart, Ageless, New York City: Kimberly is also a comedian. She joined me for Thanksgiving once a couple of years ago and we all played many rounds of Cards Against Humanity and had lots of laughs. Facebook tried to rid her of her sparkles, but she will not be sparkle-less.
14. GX Barnett, 35, New York City: I don’t recall actually ever meeting GX. I feel pretty confident that we’ve only been friends on Facebook, but that’s mostly because I imagine I would remember the name GX. However, according to his Facebook profile, “We’ve met. You’ve forgotten. I’ve stopped taking it personally.” While this is a sentiment I understand, I just don’t trust him in this case.
15. Maria Leena, 32, New York City: The first fellow tour guide to be on the list. Maria’s Danish, which is cool, because how many Danes do you know? Also, she’s fun and by her own words: “ If it’s a list of silly, then silly you I should be on it.”
16. Usain Bolt, 31, Australia: Usain is an athlete. He’s won many metals as a track star and now he’s retires, because he’s 31, and that’s what you do when you’re 31 with Olympic Gold Metals. He’s from Jamaica and seems to be traveling in Australia according to his Instagram.
17. Katelyn Dadoun, 32, Long Island: I decided to check my Instagram and Katelyn was the first person I saw. We used to kill Halloween HARD. She’s a friend of mine for years and she now has an adorable little munchkin whose face I want to eat. Does it make me a cannibal? I don’t know.
18. Mitchell Bahr, 36, Austin? Texas: Mitch’s Mom and my Mom are best friends from a hundred years ago. We grew up together, and Mitch was older and a boy, so he was always being a sneaky. He once convinced me that towel was a swear word and I felt like my world was falling apart.
19. Mariska Hargitay, 53, New York City: If you don’t know who the Goddess Mariska is, then you don’t watch Law and Order: SVU and I don’t think we can be friends — but you should definitely still read the rest of the list — we’re only at 20 (remember there were two people in one slot above). My dream job would be to become Mariska’s stand in because she’s probably the closest actress to my physicality and also I love her, and the show — even if it’s gone off the rails in the last few years.
20. Kelly Jean Fitzsimmons, I don’t know, New York City: Good Old KJ! I don’t actually know her, but she came up in my Twitter and we seem to have many friends in common, so I’m guessing she’s a funny person. She’s the writer/producer of No, You Tell It! whatever that means. But hey — she made it to the list!
21. Zoe Samuel, 30-something?, New York City: Zoe is a fellow writer person. She is from jolly old England. Which is also where my father is from, so it’s comforting to have her in my world. Also, she’s got adorable dogs and she’s super supportive of other creative people. She should be on more lists.
22. Adam Kantor, don’t care, New York City: This man is an actor on the Broadway stages. He’s currently in The Band’s Visit. I saw him recently in a production at Carnegie Hall, which I was not thrilled about. I might follow his career out of spit. Is that weird?
23. Awanthi Vardaraj, I don’t know, Chennai, India: Awanthi is the admin for the Food Writing Binder. If you don’t know what a Binder is, I can’t help you. She’s self-described as a “ Writer. Baker. Nerd. Mother. Girlfriend. Tumbleweed. Depressive. Survivor. Oxford comma or bust.”
24. Zack Feinberg, 35, New York City: I’ve known Zack since Kindergarten. Yup. We old school. Zack is from the uptown, but he recently opened up a record shop in Brooklyn, because his soul is even more old school. You should go check it out because he has a long commute. Also, buy lots of his records, because it would be nice to support a small business like his.
25. Jessica Delfino, hmmm, New York City: Another FB group admin. I think? All I know is that she’s funny and talented and smart and she helps me stay writing, which is SUPER! So obviously she’s on this arbitrary list that doesn’t mean anything anyway. YAY! LIST!
26. Erin Khar, not a clue, New York City: Erin posted in another group I’m in and so she’s made it onto THE list. She’s also a writer and seems to be from LA, but made the right life choice by coming to New York so she could complain about the weather. She’s likes to answer questions, it seems, so…why is it that your website has the blog title over the questions and the ask erin over the blogs?
27. Cristiano Ronaldo, 32, Madrid, Spain: Most people know Cristiano as that man whose face they’d like to sit on. But, he’s also a soccer player — or futbol, if you’re a fan and not from the US. Apparently he has 4 children, so you could say he’s a family man…or something else.
28. Renee King, ???, Atlanta: Renee is a writer and also an admin of another Binder. She and her mother share their travels with the internet. Focused on help the budget traveler…or at least that’s what I’ve surmised from the internet.
29. Lil Wayne, 35, Mars: Lil Wayne is a rapper who is also known as Weezy. I suppose he has a bad case of the asthma. I don’t believe that he does live on Mars, because as far as I know that’s still impossible. BUT that’s what his internet says and I still have 55 names to get through so shut up.
30. Sarah Lohman, no se, New York City: Sarah is a culinary historian who has been on many shows that I watch and guested on many panels I’ve attended. She also used to do this podcast that I really liked. Thanks Sarah.
31. Brian Fisher, 59, Little Falls, New Jersey: Brian is another tour guide, but he gets a lot of shit from many of us because he’s a Republican and loves our president. But, deep inside he’s a good person. He just doesn’t quite understand his own privilege.
32. Beth McDonough, NA, Meadville, PA: Beth is a writer with a wife and a daughter. My knowledge of her is very limited as I only just clicked on her Facebook page for the first time ever. But my middle name is Elizabeth, so I feel like we have a connection.
33. Aileen Bryant, 49, Silver Lake Washington: So far Aileen is the most random person to appear on this list who’s not a celebrity. So maybe she is a celebrity. An Aileen Bryant followed me on twitter, and then my phone died, so I have no idea if I found the same person on Facebook. I don’t think I did. This woman seems to love her games. And I can’t blame her.
34. Tony Cohen, baby face, but not a baby, New York City: Tony is another funny human and I think that the last time we hung out was when we were making my dreams come true. But not how you think. I mean I have no idea what you think, but when I say it I’m referring to the fact that we were at the Beer Garden of The Grand Prospect Hall. And if you grew up in NYC like I did, you dreamed about it and it’s been carefully planned. It would be nice to see Tony again outside of Facebook. I think he’s trapped inside. #ReleaseTony
35. Matthew Baker, 43, New York City: Another tour guide! Matthew is also a fellow writer, and he’s a movie and theater enthusiast. We work side-by-side producing the GANYC Apple Awards in March, where we honor those who make New York the best city in the world. One of his jobs is putting together the In Memoriam, which means that he often greets me with very morbid things that I’m not usually thinking of. YAY dead people!
36. Emily Schorr Lesnick, Ice cream cone, New York City: Emily didn’t ask to be on this list like SOME PEOPLE. And, while the only standard for this list is that the people are people and they are between 5 and 80 in age, Emily deserves to be on so many lists. She is so kind and loving and funny and she posts non-stop pictures of ICE CREAM! You should follow her on instagram @emilyeatsicecream or something like that.
37. Andrew Dickson, definitely older than 5, New York City: Andrew and I met on set. That’s right, bitches. On Set. We’re actors. Background. Background Actors. Or Extras. When we work together we’re apart of the family set dressing….ANYWAY, Andrew and I both love food, so we gossip about food stuff a lot — and comedy because laughter is the best way to pretend the world isn’t the worst. One day, we’ll produce the best ever food comedy movie and we’ll feed the extras like QUEENS.
38. Jeff Horton, 35, New York City: Jeff has been living in Japan for the last 12 years, and for some reason decided to return this year. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ANYWAY…we went to high school together. That’s right, HIGH SCHOOL. So I haven’t seen him in like 18 years? What I’m saying is we’re real tight and that’s why he’s on this list…not cuz he commented on a Facebook post or anything like that.
39. Sue Smith, Pretzel, New York City: ERMERGERD. Sue Smith is making her debut appearance on this list! Just like every other person on this list, because it’s the first time I’ve ever done it. Sue is a funny person who likes to share her knowledge with other people. She has been my teacher, my co-star, my contestant…so many things. I’m glad to know her, and so sorry for you if you don’t.
40. Scotty Watson, like 79, maybe?, New Jersey: Scotty is to blame for a lot of people wasting a lot of time in the basement of a shitty “Irish pub” in midtown Manhattan. He’s a Canadian refugee and he’s taken it out on vulnerable comedy obsessives. Because of this we both pity him and hate him…but only in the absolute most positive way.
41. Jordan Peele, 38, Guessing LA: Jordan is a fellow UWS kid, and he’s also a superstar in all of the worlds that he should be a superstar in. He made us laugh for years doing sketchy stuff and then he made a sketchy film that made us terrified of The Sunken Place that people don’t want to be a comedy…but he is a comedy guy. He’s been making the TV talk show rounds.
42. Alexay Cooper, 33, New York City: If you thought to yourself — hey they have the same name! I wonder if they’re related?! You would be right! We’re sisters from the same mister and also the same misses! Woop. Most people don’t know who to say her name correctly, and when they try, they generally fuck it up…but it’s really not that hard. It’s like UGH LEK SAY?! And if your next question is whether or not she’s a Russian Spy? Well. I can’t answer that for you.
43. Zak Roland, 34, Burbank: Zak recently left NYC for our younger, hotter cousin, LA. And what I most miss about him being here is that I was never able to abuse his backyard when he lived walking distance from me. He’s also a funny person and a very tattooed person. Plus he’s pretty nice when he invites you to his backyard cookouts…I would imagine.
44. Thomas Fink, 31, Oneonta, NY: This one is a stumper because I haven’t interacted with Fink since I was a lesser human being. And not just a younger one. For all I know, he does not like to be called Fink anymore. But he wanted to be here, and who am I to deny him of this list? The list maker. After scanning his profile, however, I feel like it’s time to get back into his good graces because apparently he sometimes brings people on trips with him to places that require passports…and like…that would be nice. FINK!
45. Jim Ewing, 14 or 41 or 11 or 44, New York City: Now this is a silly man. And a dog owner. Jack is his dog and that is all I know about Jack. I know JIM from the improv joints where all the world is a pawn shop. A really classy pawn shop. I can tell you that he’s a good improviser, I can’t tell you how well he does when it comes to pawned jewels. But I could say the same about nearly everyone on the list, so. LISTS!
46. Nick Mendillo, beard age, Rhode Island: Apparently Nick wrote a novel, but like I didn’t know, so I don’t think it’s real. Nick’s an important name on the list as he’s the first person I’ve slept with…sorry — not like the person I lost my virginity to, but amazingly it’s taken 40 plus names of people before I listed someone that I spent a night with…yep. Goodnight!
47. Robyn Harland, 73, Newark, Delaware: Robyn is like an aunt to me. We went to Niagra Falls together. Our family and her family. It was at Robyn’s that I discovered that Barzaga was a last name and not the phrase for people who lived underneath you. “You guys don’t have Barzagas?” Robyn is also an activist and she finds my postings amusing, so I like to keep her around.
48. Michael and Alice Halkias, 70-something?, New York City: I don’t know if you remember an earlier lister, but I mentioned hanging out at The Grand Prospect Hall. Well, these two people are responsible for the infamy of that place. They took over the historic locale in the 80’s and made a name for themselves with their small-town commercials. This one is from 1986, and this one also possibly? There was another version that they recently updated, but this is the current one that still plays on local TV. I can tell you their number off the top of my head…because that’s how frequently they ran for so much of my life. I hope to have my funeral here.
49. Adriane Hamilton, 27, New York City: Adriane and I became friends right away when we met each other in a fraternity house in upstate New York. I was 16 and she was 18 and we both had the same name, same sign, AND loved playing the classy drinking game ASSHOLE. Also objectifying men — we were teenagers, so we cannot be charged with our crimes. What many people don’t know about her is that she’s not just super fucking funny, but she’s an amazing artist as well. Did this just get too sincere? You NEVER know what’s gonna happen on THE LIST!
50. Banafsheh Farahani, I don’t know how age works in Iran: Don’t tell anyone this, because I promised I wouldn’t — but Banafsheh was my tour director in Iran. She taught us everything we needed to know about her country and its culture, including things which you cannot read here…but one day may be able to read in another article somewhere, somehow, sometime. In the meantime, I’ll just say that if you’re traveling to Iran you should look her up and book her to show you around.
51. Gregory Young, Old enough to have a 10-year-old podcast, New York City: Greg didn’t ask to be here, but I don’t care. Here he is. If you don’t already listen to The Bowery Boys, you’re stupid. Greg loves old things and art things and fun things. You should follow him on the internet, but not in person.
52. Dana Sanders, 36, Seattle: You may not recognize this last name, but Dana is my cousin — on my mother’s side. We have the same birthday — but she’s one year more ancient than I am. She actually may be one of the absolute silliest people that I know, which means that her daughter, Alma, must laugh all the time. But what’s most impressive is her card sending. In this techno-age, she is still a great sender of cards. You should get on her mailing LIST.
53. Jon Stewart, 54, The Farm: Our father who art the former host of The Daily Show, has now taken up residence on a farm somewhere with many animals — because they’re kinder than people. Once or twice a year he pops up underneath the desk of his old buddy Colbert.
54. Elizabeth Sanders, 6?, Seattle: If you didn’t figure it out then there’s not much help for you. Elizabeth is another family member of mine. She’s like an aunt who’s actually my aunt. Her first name is my middle name, and she’s always trying to get me to move out to Seattle, despite the fact that I can’t be a NYC tour guide there.
55. Stanley O’Connor, 62, New York City: We have another tour guide for you folks who like the New York City history. He loves a good hashtag and often likes to stoke the political social media firestorms. I can respect that.
56. Brenda Carpenter-Waldron, Olde English plus, Brenda, Arizona: I don’t know if she actually lives in a place called Brenda. That’s crazy if she does, though. We know each other because we both joined the same sorority but at different times and in different places. We used to have a book club that wasn’t about books. Which I hear is true of most book clubs.
57. Marc Natt, IDK 40-something?, Lords Valley Pennsylvania: Another person that I know by association — or through the association, or whatever. Something about bonds — maybe he likes bondage? I am pretty sure he likes beer? Who even knows anymore.
58. Rachel Kaleah, 35ish, Danbury Connecticut: I also haven’t seen Rachel since COLLEGE! But she takes care of people’s animals for a living and so I feel like she’s definitely going to the best Heaven or the least bad Hell…just depending. I mean we did go to COLLEGE together.
59. Titus Peoples, 29, New York City: Titus is the kind of person that you don’t mind running into on the bus every so often. He’s a very chill guy and he will make you laugh. He also will make you t-shirts. For money. You should buy his t-shirts for gifts and/or for yourself.
60. Amy Cipolla Barnes, Only Santa knows: Another comedy sister in the best facebook group in all of facebook. She’s an excellent source of corporate culture and pee jokes. Hire her for your children’s parties — sorry hire her children for your children’s parties, because she needs a little extra time to write…and wine?
61. Beyoncé
62. Timothy Dunn, 80–43, New York City: Don’t tell him that he’s on this list — especially that he’s under Queen B. I’m pretty sure that he can’t read. I know that he can’t cook very well because he lost when he was a contestant on my show. He’s recently taken up gaming again, because after our latest presidential election we might as well all give up!
63. Lauren Wellbank, in the merica: What can one say about Lauren? She is a comedy writer. She has only been on Facebook for 10 years. She loves LISTS!
64. April Felipe, 36, Ohio: April is another friend from the wayback time we were drunk children together, and now we are drunk adults. She left us for a simpler home town, and she’s been doing amazing things with her art. she also does amazing things with her iPhone and will send you silly videos if your ankle is broken, for example.
65. Katey Healy-Wurzburg, :P, New York City: Katey once coached my Supernova team and broke us…but only because we were already broken, and she was trying to teach us traditional things, but we weren’t good with those. Don’t come asking questions. Just accept that this is your new reality now. KATEY!
66. Lauren Hope Krass, half of a different age, New York City: Lauren is the funny bunny who’s now engaged to my arch nemesis. They’ve been serious for as long as I’ve been typing, and by serious I mean I have seen some screenshots. You can catch their wedding on January 12th at The Duplex. Consider this your formal invitation.
67. Jason Gore and Kristen Bartlett, birthed and more, Jersey City, New Jersey: This duo is unstoppable…because they ARE Jersey strong. Also, they are the kind of couple that you love to love. More funnies from these guys then you can actually stand. They were the organizers of The Movie Club, and last time we saw Ghostbusters. Which is kind of amazing to think about because now Kristen works with people every day who were in that movie!
68. Julie Vick Harber, =/- y/n: Everything that I know about Julie is hard to put into words. One might say it’s because I know her too well, while others might say it’s that I don’t really know her at all. The only thing that one can be sure of? She made it onto the list.
69. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, 45, LalaLoo: To know The Rock is to love The Rock and to love The Rock, is pretty standard practice for most humans that I know. The real question is about the scent of his culinary capabilities — what are your thoughts on them? Hmmm?
70. Gordon Cooper, 69, New York City: My father is very popular. Everyone who meets him is charmed by his British ways and his wit. I, personally, love his Dad jokes — or at least making fun of them. He loves the waterways and Jazz and old fashioned-French square dancing.
71. Nancy Melchert, ()(8, New York City: Nancy is THE hardest working person at UCB. She manages all of the facilities AND she makes people happy. When I was broken she came to visit me so that I didn’t have to watch The Golden Girls alone. Also, she made me a pirate sorta once. If you ever come into contact with her, be nice. She’s also a vet, so fuck off.
72. Gabriele Di Cerbo, younger than me, New Jersey: Gabriele is a smarty pants who left his job at Columbia to teach at Princeton. He recently rented the second bedroom in my apartment for a weekend of debauchery in the city because he used to live in my ‘hood, which is how I know him. He didn’t spend a single night here though, cuz of drunken fun with others!
73. Amanda Frauenglass, 36, Los Angeles: Another old pal from the days of school that were high. For the longest time she thought that I was someone else, and it was very amusing to me. But, as I said — we were high. She works in Production now, and is a badass — so if you’ve watched TV in the last few years, you’ve seen something that she had her hand in.
74. Nicole Cea McDermott Rivera, she don’t like to, Los Osos, California: The girl with too many names. Another friend who left me for warmer weather and a happier life or something…maybe it’s time I take the hint? Nicole used to keep me in shape and she was a huge help on the day I broke my ankle — since I was one my way to go work out with her. She is VERY silly and does some of the worst accents that I ever did hear.
75. Sandro Giussano, immortal, New York City: My neighborhood Italiano is a funny, funny man — just don’t pull him on stage, ever because he’ll try to steal the show. He provides food, wine and laughter, so he’s a pretty good person to know — also, he knows lots of other Italian men.
76. Amy Charowsky, 33, New York City: This bish is not just a funny person, but a singing funny person. She’s performed at Carnegie Hall several times and one of these days we’re going to put a show on together. Until then we ride…the bus.
77. Jared Wilder, Trentasonsing, New York City: When he’s not acting, he’s producing or working on his act or giving out hugs and lots of smiles. If you don’t have him on your stage you should have him in your audience because he’s probably got the second best laugh after mine.
78. Sophia Grace and Rosie, Children, England?: These tow young girls are more famous than most of us will ever be — and it’s all cuz they sent a video to Ellen or something. They were very cute — but now they’re going to become teenagers — so the worst. In the meantime they’re good at bringing joy.
79. Darlene Martinez, 34, New York City: If you’ve ever seen me after a haircut — that’s the work of Darlene. She’s also a good friend of mine. And we have many wonderful stories together, but mostly I’m just trying to figure out how I can move on to the next person so that I can finish this LIST and go to sleep. list…
80. Daniel Clinton, still dancing, New York City: Daniel was a movement teacher of mine when I was in middle school…and we crossed paths again years later at the Hyatt Regency in New Jersey. No one buttles like Daniel. He taught me everything he knows — including how to make the perfect margarita.
81. Marta Sanders-Cooper, 67, New York City: Well since this list has turned into a biography about my life, via a story of how all of these people are connected to me…I can’t leave my mother off the list. She’s also very silly and I she’s given me the gift of always wanting people to be listening to me. And guess what?

The list is OVER. I think I did it right — because there were a few couples…so I think it’s 85. And if it’s not then I will get it right next year….because this is clearly the best list ever, and now I don’t even remember what I was doing. Like now that I’ve done it I don’t understand why anyone would want to go higher than 10 for any list of people — except Shindler, obviously. I get that. But maybe it would have been shorter if he felt compelled to do this WITH commentary. Now that I’m here, I’m thinking that it would have been funnier to just write all these names without any explanation…noted.