How do I Know if I’ve Met the Man of my Dreams…Again?

A Late-Summer Love Story Checklist

Not just any love story — a food love story

My new crush is a nomad Chef. I know what you’re thinking, and yes — you’re right, I HAVE been down this road before. And yes, you’re right. I’m going to end up broken-hearted and alone, again. But it’s OK, because right now I’m telling myself that all I want is sex. Which is the perfect way to really connect with a man who’s probably perfect for me in every way — but has made it very clear off the bat that the whole staying in one place thing is NOT for him.

Can you grate cheese? Maybe you can date me…and then run off to another part of the planet before I achieve happiness or fulfillment.

How do I know that he’s the love of my life? Well, if you are asking this despite the fact that I stated very clearly that he’s a nomad chef, then you must not GET me. But, I’m here to indulge you — or really I’m here to indulge me. I’m a writer so I want to write, so you can learn from my mistakes — or just read this thing and hopefully give me claps, because I’ll be looking for validation as I’m staring at the computer screen through the bottom of my wine glass in a few short months, when I’m stalking the new object of my infatuation.

But if you insist, I will provide some more information for you:

1. He’s a chef. I know I said that already, but like it’s very important. This means a lot to me. It means he loves food, like I do. He loves to work with food, like I do. And he can cook me food, which I would like him to do. It also means he’s creative and has and understands crazy working hours. I’m a professional foodie and he’s a professional food creator. Perfection.

I just want to sink my teeth into his buns.

2. He’s a traveler. This is what will tear us apart but it is also what brings us together. I also love to travel. I’ve been to several countries around the world, and look forward to one day continuing those adventures. It means that he cares about other cultures, and experiencing them firsthand. This provides a lot of opportunities for us to share our stories with one another and plenty of places for my mind to wander to as I fantasize about our lives together…which will never be.

This is a shot from my fantasy, in which we’ve traveled somewhere cold together and need the heat of old kitchen appliances to keep us warm and turn our steaks into perfection. We’ll then feed each other the glorious cuts of meat, sitting naked on the floor because our passion for each other is actually so intense that we just can’t bare to be separated by our clothing.

3. He has arm tattoos.

Who doesn’t love a hot sleeve of tatts?

4. We work well together. I’ve worked in catering and events for almost all of my adult life, and if there’s anything that I’ve learned from watching Bravo’s Below Deck, the chief stew and chef are bound to butt heads. In our case, however, we just kept heading into each others butts, which was awkward for the guests, but really sexy for us.

A good partner in the kitchen and in life knows when it’s time to pour me some wine. Mmmmmm…sooo thirsty.

5. He’s honest. He was upfront about his nomadic lifestyle as soon as the topic came up. He also made sure that I knew his female sous chef was in a relationship with his roommate and not with him. He also said many times how much he enjoyed working with me and wants to keep in touch. And those are all just cold, hard — rock hard, really hard truths. Which is just so respectful and refreshing and probably will be exactly where he will inevitably disappoint me, when he leaves this hemisphere in the next month or so.

He serves himself on a platter — or a frying pan.

6. He’s HAWT. Look. The first thing I saw when I walked into this woman’s home was this salt and pepper blue eyed tattooed chef, and I was sold. If I really just wanted to bone, I probably wouldn’t have bothered to listen to anything else he said, had a few drinks with him and had him ride me home…or not, because we were working together and I’m a professional. But I will tell you that I brought two tops that evening to wear for the event and despite my menstrual bloating, I went with the top that brought out his — I mean my eyes, over the one that hid my belly — cuz I wanted to be sure he replayed our evening together in his head as I did (just like a night later, cuz I didn’t bring my vibrator to my place of employment — we’re not there yet).

Don’t worry boo, I see you!

So, that’s that. I’m very casually planning how I can get to see him again before he leaves so that I can assure that these upcoming holidays are just as sad (if not sadder) than the last! So, if you know of a chef (or a comedian) who’s both emotionally AND physically unavailable — please send them my way! Happy New Year!