How to Come Off as Completely Sated Even Though You’re Thirsty AF Right Now

A lesson in composition over consumption

You must ask yourself — condensation or hot breathe?

Thirsty, eh? We’ve all been there. Some more than others. But reality is such that just because your body feels like it needs something, doesn’t mean you have the access to it — I mean look at that healthcare bill! (That’s a topical joke, for now, in May of 2017, but if you’re reading this in 25 years, I’m just grateful to know we’re all still alive)

Anyway, just because your body is aching for something — like food or water or sex, doesn’t mean that you have to carry that appearance around. You have it in you to present a different face to the world. So, if you find yourself in a position where you don’t want to appear hungry or thirsty or super duper horny, then you can try this little acting trick.

In the world of theater — and film and TV, I suppose — we talk of the “magical as if” in which you imagine to yourself that you are living in a world AS IF there is another set of rules applying to your life scenario. Just close your eyes and think of the things that would help your body overcome the feeling of sad desperation — for example, if having an on call booty buddy would help, then go about your days living in the pretend world that you’re always sexually satisfied. And if being fed five-star meals every time you’re body has a craving for food, helps you get through the days when you have only ramen in your cupboards, then by all means live in the unreal world that you’ve set up in your mind. If you’re trapped on the side of the road, and you’ve run out of all things liquid, with the exception of some hand sanitizer, exist in a plane AS IF hand sanitizer IS water and you will be thirsty no more.

The moral of the story? As my momma* always said:

If you can lie to yourself then you can lie to everyone else!

*Momma is the name I gave to the imaginary voice in my head, because Mary was taken.

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