A Guide to Menstruating Through the Holidays
Typically, I like to put out this guide months if not years in advance. Because truly, the best way to survive your period and your Thanksgiving, is to plan long in advance. But, I know that sometimes life catches up with you. You have to survive birthdays, pool parties, bbqs, July 4th hand blow-ups, etc all while your body sheds the unused lining of your uterus. It’s so easy to forget to plan, that everytime the holidays come and go you kick yourself like you do every Halloween, and say — next year. NEXT YEAR I WILL BE PREPARED. I’M PLANNING MY COSTUME NOW, DAMNIT. And then you get distracted by the candy that you grabbed from your neighbor’s front door because you are menstruating. Because it’s like your body knows. Holidays=perfect timing.
Obviously, by planning ahead, I mean stacking your birth control pills, waiting for menopause to set you free, undergoing a selective hysterectomy, or social syncing. Which is when you cyberstalk all of your friends/acquaintances/social media connections to find yourself a group of women you know won’t be menstruating over the Thanksgiving holiday. Then you must insert yourself into their lives so that they can have an impact on your own cycle — depending on how strong yours is this could take months or years to achieve, so I suggest you find a group that you can tolerate that long.
If you’re hosting Thanksgiving dinner:
Lean into that red theme. Some people may think that red means Christmas, but fuck those people. They’re stupid. Cranberries are red, right? So is red wine. Perfect. Red decor means that any bleed-throughs that you’re sporting because your asshole friends and family are still making you host this thing even though you’re dealing with a lot right now, and so you’ve just spent the last 6 hours on your feet cooking up a feast. Also, I suggest you drink some of that red wine I was mentioning, and perhaps try your hand infusing your dinner with some cannabis. The THC has two purposes as it’s much healthier for your body than the over the counter Midol crap that doesn’t do anything for you anymore, and it will hopefully make your guests even more sleepy than the overeating does, so they’ll want to leave you to get back to catching up on your Lifetime movies about women who kill their cheating husbands.
If you have to travel by plane for Thanksgiving:
Cancel. Just cancel. Tell your friends and family that your vertigo is flaring up and you can’t get on a plane right now. There’s really not enough drugs/booze to get you through these flights that can’t possibly be worth it for a holiday about eating, which is something you can do from the comfort of your very warm bed or couch. Again — cancel.
If you’re traveling by car for Thanksgiving:
If you’re one of those people who likes to drive and be in control of things, then you should make sure that you get to be the driver for this trip. And, of course, if you are in control then you get to choose your snacks and drinks and music and temperature and seat position, etc. So, live it up and kick anyone out who doesn’t want to live by your rules.
If you’re one of those people who doesn’t want to be in the driver’s seat — or you’re like me (a 36-year-old without a license because you grew up in the greatest city in the world), then you want to make sure that you can sit shotgun. So, if you think there’s anyone else who will try to take that from you call them in advance and offer them money for that seat. Then you should bring whatever snacks and drinks you want for this trip and be sure you have enough to share, because the people will ask. You’ve given up your right to control the radio, but if you bring your headphones then you can tune out — just tell them you have to memorize a speech for work. Refuse to answer follow up questions by saying it makes you carsick. In fact — just use that for everything. Make sure you’re wearing period underwear or have plenty of pads — you don’t want to leak in someone else’s car.
If you have to bring food, again slip in a little THC. It’s good for your body, and great for your entertainment. Just remember — small doses!
If you’re traveling via train or bus:
If your travel time will be more than 2 hours, then you should follow my advice for flying and cancel.
If your travel time will be less than that, then tell your hosts that you can only bring wine. Bring enough wine to make sure you will be numb to the pain of your period, and also be drunk enough to not have anyone ask you to do anything. Then you can sit and stuff your face, and be just as useless as if you were home alone.
If you’re traveling by public transportation:
Take a cab.
If you’ll be at home, alone on Thanksgiving:
Congratulations!!! You won! You can do whatever you want, wearing whatever you want, watching whatever you want! Gather your happy place flow-time supplies, lock the door, scream at the internet and enjoy!