The 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286… Things You’ll Experience After Using Someone for Sex

Speaking from Experience

As a sexually liberated woman of a certain age (which is 34 and 10 1/2 months, but I could easily pass for 65), people often assume that I’m a lesbian. And, while I often wonder that myself, after years of enjoying sex and romantic relationships with men, I’m pretty sure that I’m just insane— I mean, men? Gross. Anyway, in this day of Tinder, Grindr, Bumble, Fumble and Fuckbois.nyc, it’s truly a wonder that we have any sexual hangups at all — and yet, here we are. Still needing to fill out a numbered list of the things that you should expect to experience after having consensual sex with someone you don’t have patience for with their clothes on. But, not to worry. I am generous with my sage advice, and I want to be sure you are well prepared for all the things that will happen to you when you’re done having fun with another adult who had fun with your naked bodies all rubbing together and such.

1. You will need a towel. If the sex is good, there will be many fluids in and around and coming out of your body. Now, if this were sex with a person you loved, a person whose company you enjoyed, for example, then you might want to languish in the soggy wet mess. Perhaps even roll around in your bed a little so that you could crawl back to those sheets when you were lonely, so that their scent could comfort you. But this is not that. This is sex. Sex for the sake of sex. Sex with someone you likely picture is someone else while you’re having sex, someone like Ryan Gosling or Eva Mendes or maybe having a threesome with the both of them, if that’s you’re thing. Either way, you need to wipe that sex liquid away when this is done, so that you can get back binge-watching Catfish: The TV Show without your room-mates’ judgey nostrils. And, if the sex wasn’t good, then you’ll probably be very sad, because not only do you think this naked person is dumb as a bag of rocks, but as soon as you kick them out you’ll still need your vibrator which is out of batteries, hence the reason this idiot was in your bed to begin with. So, you’ll need a towel to dry off from the shower, because at least you upgraded your shower head last month — sorry roommie!
2. You will need water. Whether the sex was good or bad, you will have lost some liquids, and it’s important to stay hydrated.
3. You will feel like you’re on top of the world. Suddenly you’ll remember how much you enjoy sex, and you’ll wonder why you’ve been such prude this whole time. You’ve cleaned yourself off, replaced your fluids and now you’re bragging to your married friend that you just had meaningless sex with someone who you wouldn’t want to be in your jury pool. You’ll want to scream it from the top of the mountains. You’ll write a note to your grandmother to thank her for being alive — and she isn’t even alive! Even if it wasn’t great sex, you’ll feel powerful, because you USED someone! It is quite possible, or even VERY likely that they enjoyed themselves as well, but who the fuck cares about that?! This is YOU TIME! You did it! You are READY to conquer the next level of life!

.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286…You will need pie. Good or bad, sex is a workout, and studies have shown that pie is a great post-workout snack.