Recognizing The Signs Of Codependency

Codependency is a sign that a person did not receive the nurturing required in childhood to help them grow into an emotionally healthy adult. It can be difficult for adults to recognize their own codependent tendencies and behaviors and even more difficult to seek help.

Codependency is rooted in survival. Children from dysfunctional families quickly learn how to protect themselves and react in a way that will cause the least amount of pain from their abusers.

“Children will notice radical changes in behavior, such as parent turning from happy to angry, and may falsely believe that they are the cause of these mood swings. Self-blame, guilt, frustration, and anger can emerge as the child tries to understand why the parent acts this way.” (American Addiction Centers, 2017)

Codependency is not a personality trait. It is a conditioned response to trauma and is sometimes referred to in relation to post traumatic stress disorder.

“For either the child of drunk parents, or a battle-scarred veteran, putting that kind of terror behind them does not come easily or naturally. It could take a lifetime of therapy and group support to bridge the emotional chasms caused by their respective situations.” (American Addiction Centers, 2017)

The child’s primary focus shifts outward and fixates on what others feel and think. They neglect to acknowledge their own needs and lose their sense of self. The child has been conditioned into submission and emotionally abandoned. This breeds fear of rejection and the assumption that they will be abandoned by more people they love as they grow older.

Relationship Dysfunction in Adulthood

Once an abused child reaches adulthood, he learns to choose familiar relationships. Codependency can lead them to align themselves with friendships and romantic partners who are abusive, neglectful, or controlling. They are subconsciously propelled to repeat the dynamic learned in childhood.

It is common for codependent people to lose themselves in their partners. Their identity becomes contingent on their partner’s approval. This is especially true if the partner is in need of help.

Codependency can quickly move to enabling when the codependent person doesn’t allow others to learn to help themselves. This can take the form of a parent who won’t allow a child to suffer consequences, a wife who makes excuses for an addicted husband, or a friend who gives money to a gambling addict. A codependent person martyrs themselves in the name of “helping,” but the help is destructive to both parties.

Common Signs of Codependency

Low Self-Esteem

One of the most notable signs of codependency is low self-esteem. The codependent needs approval from others to feel validated and acts with very little confidence when making decisions. This leads to accepting poor treatment from others and becoming “clingy” or “needy” in attempts to gain acceptance and approval.

Emotional Instability

Codependents often have a pervasive sense of dissatisfaction or instability. They rarely feel in control of their own lives. They are reactive and controlled by their environment. They often display signs of emotional instability when they are faced with disappointment such as disproportionate anger.

Poor Boundaries

Codependents have poor boundaries. They allow others to violate their personal and emotional space to avoid confrontation. They often overstep other’s boundaries as well. Codependents often perceive boundaries in relationships as rejection.

People Pleasing

Poor boundaries in codependency frequently stem from the need to please others. A codependent person will rarely utter the word “No” when something is requested of him, even if he is already overwhelmed with tasks. Codependents feel obligated to help rather than helping out of genuine desire. They worry about how they will be viewed if they say no. They fear that if they don’t do everything asked of them, people will reject them. The codependent might initially enjoy the feeling of being needed, but it can quickly devolve into feeling resentful and trapped.

Rescuing

A codependent person often moves beyond people pleasing and into rescuing. Not only do they feel the need to keep others happy, they also feel responsible for their well-being. This is why codependents seek relationships with people they believe are suffering. They believe that they can “fix” the other person with their advice and help.

Poor Communication

Codependent people often find it difficult to communicate effectively. They fear that expressing their feelings will result in rejection. A codependent person might stay silent when asked for an opinion, or they might blow up over minor annoyances. People who struggle with codependency were rarely taught how to assert themselves appropriately. As a result, they grow up with stunted communication skills in adulthood.

Self-Destructive Behaviors

Because codependents are rarely comfortable in their own skin, they might turn to self-destructive behaviors to ease the discomfort. Some codependents turn to drugs, gambling, sex, shopping, and other compulsive behaviors to make themselves feel better. Others seem to take “healthier” routes, such as throwing themselves into their work, but this still involves avoiding dealing with underlying issues.

Misplaced Guilt

Codependents often feel misplaced guilt and take responsibility for other people’s feelings. What might be viewed by some as deeply empathetic is actually a codependent person taking ownership of someone else’s poor mood or behavior. This is why the codependent will make excuses for people who treat them poorly

There are many signs of codependency, and not everyone will perfectly fit a specific mold or description. But many who suffer from codependency can identify with many of these traits. When that is the case, it’s important to seek help to begin recovery.

How To Begin Codependent Recovery

Therapy

The first step toward recovery is seeking therapy. The right therapist can provide the codependent person with steps to take to begin moving away from these conditioned behaviors.

While codependency itself is not a diagnosable mental health condition due to its broad definition, it can often lead to mental health issues such as addiction, depression, or anxiety:

“Since “codependent disorder” is presently not a recognized diagnosis, persons seeking treatment from the effects of codependence are often diagnosed with one of a number of associated conditions, including depression, anxiety, or dependent personality, among others.” (Smith, 2017)

Again, breaking codependent patterns is difficult because they’re often rooted in habit and subconscious behavior so we recommend finding a qualified therapist who specializes in codependency (click here to see a list of therapists near you).

Codependents Anonymous

Codependency is a learned way of behaving and coping with the world that takes time and effort to unlearn. That’s why Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) was established. It takes anyone who identifies as codependent and helps them work through the twelve-step program toward recovery and a more fulfilling life. Like all twelve-step programs, it requires dedication and effort to see results. Many churches and treatment centers offer weekly CoDA meetings.

Self-Help

It is also possible to take recovery steps through self-study and self-help. It is not recommended that these steps be taken without some form of professional guidance as traumatic memories could resurface.

People who work through codependent recovery will learn proper self-care, how to establish boundaries in relationships, and how to help others without losing themselves. Recovering codependents will learn about the dysfunctional patterns that led them to becoming codependent in the first place. They will learn to identify unhealthy behaviors and family dynamics and take the necessary steps to break the cycle.