Conflict with your teen? Check safety.

While many parents assume that they are arguing with their teen about competency (grades, chores, activities), or connection (their friends, treatment of other family members), more often the basic need of “safety” requires their most urgent attention.

In addition to keeping children safe in a physical and concrete way, providing for a child’s safety includes creating safe communication. I often find that parents feel that things are “safe” at home, but teens are holding on to important information about their life and feelings that they believe they “could never tell” mom or dad! Most often, they describe one of three common concerns: (1) fear that a parent will be angry, (2) fear that they will not be understood or validated, (3) fear that a parent will be too emotionally wounded or disappointed.

So take a moment today to consider how safe you are to talk to, or maybe solicit some feedback on this from your teen. A great start for many parents is a strategy called “duct tape parenting,” which means doing your best to assume you have duct tape over your mouth when “talking” with your children. You will likely be surprised by what you hear and learn!