Does your child have depression or anxiety? It’s easier to help than you think
How you can use Psych 101 to handle mental health concerns
You may have noticed something unusual recently in the news and among your friends and family. Anxiety and depression, especially among teenagers, is rising drastically.
One survey given in all three Utah County school districts suggests that it’s rising as much as 3 to 5 percent every year. That means that in 2011, about 13% of kids were depressed, and in 2019 it rose to 28%.
At EveryDay Strong, we get a lot of questions about this trend. It’s scary, and it’s easy to feel helpless. One of the most common questions people ask us is, “What’s causing this, and what can I do about it?”
We’ve learned something from talking to dozens of therapists, counselors, and psychiatrists. When it comes to identifying what causes anxiety and depression, it’s just complicated. We all want to put mental health into a category, but sometimes it’s not helpful.
If somebody tells you they’re having an asthma attack, you don’t respond by saying, “How did you get that?” Instead, you ask, “How can I help? What do you need?”
Here’s an example — when you’re facing someone you care about who’s in the middle of an asthma attack, a heart attack, or cancer treatment, how helpful is it to question the “cause”?
When somebody tells you they’re having an asthma attack, you don’t respond by saying, “How did you get that?” Instead, you ask, “How can I help? What do you need to stabilize your breathing?”
Similarly, if somebody says, “I have a cold,” do you wonder, “Now, where did that come from? Were you around this or that person? Were you out in the rain?” Or, do you hand them a tissue and bring them soup?
Being helpful and compassionate to someone anxious, depressed, or mentally unwell is a lot more about identifying needs than identifying causes.
To do that, there’s a helpful framework we like to use called Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. You might remember it from your high school or college Psych 101 class. It’s a brilliant and underappreciated little bit of psychology, and it basically summarizes, to this day, the best way to approach and think about the people around you.
Maslow’s Hierarchy lays out the idea that someone can’t focus on certain aspects of life, until their underlying needs are met.
Here’s what that looks like:
- Basic physical needs (like food, sleep, and shelter) have to be met before you can worry about feeling emotionally safe.
- Next, you have to feel safe before you can have meaningful friendships and relationships.
- Then, you have to feel loved and connected before you can focus on accomplishment, good performance, and self-esteem.
We all know that if you’re dying of hunger, it’s pretty difficult to think about making straight As. But it goes beyond that.
For instance, if your 10-year-old doesn’t feel safe to tell you crucial information about himself, do you think you’ll be able to have a real connection with him? Or what if your teenager knows that if she gets good grades, then her peers will make fun of her?
Which need will your kids likely try to meet, if they feel forced to choose?
The key to answering that question is that the closer a need is to the base of the pyramid, the more “foundational” it is as a “prerequisite” to the others. Asking our kids to prioritize grades over friendships (confidence over connection) — or to confide in us when they don’t feel like can without repercussions (connection over safety) — ignores the inherent “progression” of their needs.
What a person needs to be “happy” and “self-motivated” is the same as what they need to be “resilient.” That need is wellness — having one’s physical and emotional needs met.
In a similar vein, a lot of parents believe they’re responsible for “training” their kids. They use carrots and sticks, rewards and consequences to help “motivate” them to behave a certain way, with the intent to “shape” the child into a better version of themselves.
“If she would just try harder or just put her heart into it,” they think, “if I could just help motivate them more, then everything will work out.”
But getting along with others, doing well in school, and even finding and holding a job are not simply matters of “motivation.” Self-motivation, after all, is a confidence-level skill — one that breaks down, or becomes much more difficult to apply, when kids don’t have their other, more foundational needs met.
Maslow’s pyramid tells us that just like a child can’t think about becoming a classic pianist until they get some food and stable shelter, a child can’t thrive and be on their best behavior until they feel safe, connected, and confident.
What our kids (and peers) need to be “happy” and “self-motivated” is the same as what they need to be “resilient.” That need is wellness.
And wellness — having one’s physical and emotional needs for safety, connection, and confidence met — is the beginning of overcoming anxiety, depression, and many of the other difficulties so many of our children are going through.
We hope you will spend some time this week thinking about that little pyramid.
If we could magically wish for one thing, we would wish that all parents and caring adults, on a daily or weekly basis, would look at their kids and ask themselves, “What can I personally do this week to help meet this child’s physical and emotional needs? How can I contribute to their sense of emotional safety, their connections with others, and their sense of confidence and competence?”
Because that’s how you can help kids find wellness, resilience, and success, no matter what they face. ※
United Way of Utah County’s EveryDay Strong is on a mission to help every child in our community feel safe, connected, and confident. Want more mental health and resiliency resources? Check out our website, sign up for our email list, or follow us on Facebook and Instagram.
