EveryDay Strong Advice: How you can help a teen struggling in school
Today’s column is from a recorded conversation with Dr. Matt Swenson, a child psychiatrist at Utah Valley Hospital.
Dear EveryDay Strong,
What can you do when a child you know just doesn’t want to go to school? What if they’re totally avoiding going to class, skipping out, and you’ve tried everything and you’re at your wits’ end?
I know a young man that we’ll call Nathan. A year and a half ago, Nathan and his mom came to me because he was failing school, sloughing with his friends and using marijuana here and there. His mom and the school were concerned. He wanted to drop out, since he felt that he’d tried and failed, and that there was no path to graduation. Many adults had tried to help him. He’d had rewards and consequences placed on him; for example, not being able to hang out with his girlfriend if he didn’t do more for school.
As a psychiatrist at Utah Valley Psychiatry and Counseling, there’s a needs hierarchy framework that I use with every patient. The framework is to first ensure that a patient has their physical needs cared for (including adequate sleep, food, exercise, etc.), and then see that their emotional needs of safety, connection and confidence are met. Anyone, especially parents, can use this framework to help the children in their lives.
When I first sat down with Nathan, I thought about the needs framework. To see how his physical needs were being met, I asked him if he was feeling healthy. Was he sleeping and eating well? He had a few issues with sleep, and was a little overweight.
Next, I asked some questions to see how his emotional needs for safety, connection and confidence were being met. To determine safety, I asked who he talked to when he’s really struggling. Who knew what it was like to be him, to walk in his shoes and feel his emotions? It turned out that he felt that no one, not even his best friend or parents, really understood him.
I remember thinking, this is a kid who doesn’t feel safe to open up or talk to people. We talked more and he started to see me as a safe person that he could talk to and be himself with. At one point, when his mom left the room, he teared up a little and told me that for the last week, he’d been going to school and just sitting in the parking lot all day. He’d felt so anxious that he couldn’t get out of his car. Then he’d drive home at the end of the day.
The threats and rewards and consequences his parents, teachers and school administrators had been putting on him hadn’t been effective because his anxiety had incapacitated him. As he talked more to me, he was able to open up to his mom and vice principal about this anxiety that he was so ashamed of.
Everything changed for Nathan because he began to felt safe to talk to other people, safe to feel and express big emotions, and, most importantly, safe to be himself. He stopped feeling the need to meet the expectations of others. He was able to set his own goals and figure out how to graduate. He ended up graduating. The adults around him needed to stop thinking, “this is a kid who doesn’t want to succeed” or “this is a kid who’s just shy.” They needed to realize that he was a kid who didn’t feel safe enough to share his real feelings.
Safety was the key to changing things quickly in Nathan’s life.
A year and a half later, Nathan came to see me again. Even though he’d graduated from school, had a girlfriend and had taken his first job, he wasn’t doing well. He was no longer taking his medications, because he said he just didn’t care anymore. He had recently broken up with his girlfriend and felt incompetent, because he’d lost his job. He felt disconnected, isolated and scared to leave the house.
I asked him what would make his life better if he could magically change something, and he said it’d be getting back together with his girlfriend. I could have jumped on problem-solving about the relationship, but I again used the framework. I asked about his physical needs, how he was sleeping, eating and exercising. I asked about his emotional need for safety, if he felt very anxious and was opening up with people. He left with a plan to get some sleep and sun, and to go for walks. He’d been depressed, hopeless, suicidal and disengaged. Many people would have looked at him and thought he needed more motivation to do better in life, but he just needed his physical and emotional needs met.
Anyone can use this framework to help the children and youth in their lives. You can help children around you feel emotional safety by helping them feel safe to talk. Next time there’s an emotionally charged conversation, imagine putting duct tape over your mouth for at least two minutes and just listening to the child. Help the child feel listened and understood. They will be more likely to share challenges, true feelings and ideas.
