EveryDay Strong: Helping our kids hit a home run

Sometimes when our kids aren’t acting the way that we want, it’s easy to ask yourself questions like, “Why isn’t he or she trying harder?” or “What do I need to do to motivate them to stop playing video games, or do chores, or quit squabbling with their siblings?”

There’s definitely room in every family for chore charts, stickers and treats, or consequences for bad behavior. But before you jump right to the treats and time out, consider this metaphor about motivation.

“Just keep your eye on the ball!”

Imagine that you’re back in middle school gym class. It’s baseball time, and you’re up to bat. But you’re uncoordinated (remember those days?), and your teacher warns you, “Your grade is on the line. If you hit this ball, you’ll pass. And if you can’t, you’ll fail.”

You feel super motivated to hit this ball, so you step up to the plate, prepared to give it all you’ve got. But you swing — and you miss.

No worries though; it’s three strikes til you’re out, so you still have two more to go. Suddenly, your dad’s there, and he says, “If you can strike this ball, this brand new hundred dollar bill is yours!”

This is exciting, especially for a 13-year-old, and you step up to the plate. Your grade is on the line, and so is the money, and you’re very motivated. You swing again — and you miss again.

As you go up for the final try, all your friends boo. They say, “If you don’t hit this ball, we’re all going to throw baseballs at your legs!” You’ve never been so motivated to do anything in your entire life. You want to pass this class. You want that money. And you want your friends to like you. But still, what happens? Once again, you swing — and you miss.

Did you fail to hit the ball because you didn’t want to hit it? Of course not. You just weren’t able to hit it.

Sometimes kids can actually be very motivated to behave well. However, if they don’t have the ability, all the motivation in the world won’t be enough.

Good behavior, like baseball, takes practice

When it comes to behavioral issues, sometimes our kids can actually be very motivated to behave well. However, if they don’t have the ability to do it, or if something is in their way, all the motivation in the world won’t be enough.

Inability, not lack of motivation, might make our children’s sad and negative emotions manifest in different ways than we would expect.

For example, during times of stress, you might see:

• Anger (for example, “This dumb remote doesn’t work!”)
• Numbing out (for example, sleeping during class, or refusing to get off the video games)
• Clinginess (for example, wanting to be physically in contact with you all the time, or getting upset when their friends go somewhere without them)

All these behavioral issues may look like your child is striking out, failing, or not trying hard enough. And your gut reaction might be to motivate them to behave better. For example, you might tell them, “If you keep this up, you’re grounded!” or, “If you can do this, we’ll get you a new phone.”

But we can use a better response than bribing or punishing your child into behaving differently. It starts with sitting down and thinking about what might be happening underneath the behavior.

Focusing on needs, not consequences

One way to do this is to reframe the problem. Parents and teachers can replace questions like “Why won’t they try harder?” or “What can I do to make them stop?” with questions about the child’s basic physical and emotional needs instead.

The answers will be different for every child, but you might ask yourself the following questions:

• How is my child sleeping and eating lately? Could they be more on edge because they need a nap or a snack?
• Is this behavior more extreme than normal? What might be happening in my child’s life that would trigger this response? For example, maybe something sad happened at school that they haven’t told you about or a fight with a friend.
• Can I create a calm and quiet moment where my child could open up to me if they wanted to? Kids don’t always tell us everything right away!
• When’s the last time I did something meaningful to connect with my child? Something just for the two of us?
• Have I taken the time to teach my child a better way of handling big emotions? For example, if they are hitting their sibling, have I explained an age-appropriate way to use our words, not our fists?

Raising a child is the work of a lifetime and as they grow, your approach will need to constantly change. Your child will go through many stages of life and experience many different, sometimes overwhelming, emotions.

At every stage, we can choose to trust that our children are usually doing the best they can within their limitations.

Just like all of us would want to hit a home run if we could, most children want to behave. We can help our children have the greatest chance of hitting a home run if we pay attention to what struggles might be happening beneath the behavior we can see. ※

Written by Michaelann Gardner, EveryDay Strong Director. These tips and information come from Dr. Matt Swenson, MD, Erin Leyba, Ph.D., and Rachel Busman, senior director at the Child Mind Institute. Originally published at heraldextra.com on June 14, 2020.