What to do when kids royally mess up

Focus less on “life lessons” and more on the Golden Rule

Using our imagination and our empathy can be hard, but the same things that make us feel better after a long day are the same things that can help a child feel better. (Adobe Stock)

I want you to imagine you’re having one of those days where you’re really crushing your to-do list. It’s busy and hectic, and you even skipped your lunch break to rush a few projects through. You’ve had a million unexpected phone calls but you still navigated through. You’re giving it everything you’ve got to make it through this day.

Toward the end of the day, your boss (or spouse, or PTA president, or your mother, depending on your situation) pokes their head in. “Hey, did you get that one thing done that I asked you to do?” they ask.

Your stomach drops. “Ah, no, I didn’t,” you admit. That’s the one thing you forgot to do in the midst of this busy day.

That makes your boss pretty upset.

“Why in the world didn’t you get it done?” they say curtly. “This is the one thing I asked you to do. You should’ve told me earlier if you weren’t going to be able to finish it. You told me specifically you could do this — but now I’m going to have to stay late and do your job for you.”

You leave work discouraged and upset.

What do most of us want when we have a hard day? We want someone to care for us and our needs.

When you get home, you relate this story to your spouse. Now, depending your spouse, one of a few things could happen.

1. They might barely look up from their computer or phone, still typing or scrolling. They might say, “Uh-huh, honey. That’s too bad,” but without really paying attention.
2. They might say, “Well, maybe your boss a bit harsh, but you probably should’ve prioritized better,” or “Why are you upset? Your boss was right — you said you would and you didn’t.”
3. Or their response might be, “I know just how to fix this. Here’s what you’re going to do. I’m going to buy you a planner, and I can help you figure out how to manage your time better. You need to think about how this might impact your career, so you probably want to apologize sooner rather than later. I suggest you buy a box of donuts and take it in tomorrow…”

Are any of these responses what you were hoping for when you told this story to your spouse? If you’re like most people, probably not — or at least not as the very first response.

What do most of us want when we have a hard day like this? We want someone to care for us and our needs.

That might look something like:

• Addressing physical needs — Offering to draw you a hot bath, take over making dinner, or scoop you a bowl of ice cream.
• Helping you feel emotionally safe — Validating your emotions. Letting you cry it out a little. Telling you they understand.
• Connecting — Briefly sharing a time when something similar happened to them and how hurtful it was. Helping you take your mind off your hard day by watching a movie with you or making you laugh.
• Building confidence and competence — Reminding you of times when you’ve overcome challenges in the past. Asking how they can help you make a plan, rather than making a plan for you. (Note that this usually should be done only after they’ve supported your other needs.)

Now, here’s the tricky part. We all know which version or response usually feels best for us. But I’d like you to take a step back and think of your own kids for a moment, or the kids in your life.

Using our imagination and our empathy can be hard, but the same things that make us feel better after a long day are the same things that can help a child feel better.

How often does a child come stomping through the front doors and yell, “I can’t believe I made a D on this paper! That teacher just hates me!”

And our first response is something like: “Well, you know, I know you haven’t really been studying…”

Or we do the phone-scrolling thing, half paying attention to the story.

Or perhaps we have a fix-it response, saying something like, “I can’t believe this happened! I’m going there first thing tomorrow to have a discussion with that teacher!”

Or we scold them: “If you’d only listen to my plan of how to study, this wouldn’t happen to you.”

Using our imagination and our empathy can be hard, but the same things that make us feel better after a long day are the same things that can help a child feel better. You can care for their physical needs and their needs to feel safe, connected, and confident.

Think back again to your usual feelings after a long, hard day. Imagine if your spouse did those things that cared for your needs and how that would help you thrive.

Our kids may need a little more support and teaching than our spouses need to give us, but the same things that make it possible for us to thrive are the same ones that will help our kids. ※

Written by Michaelann Gardner, EveryDay Strong Director. Originally published at https://www.heraldextra.com on June 28, 2020.