Help a depressed teen get Up and Moving, without nagging!

3 helpful steps to encourage physical activity and exercise while avoiding offense

I don’t know about you, but when I’m exhausted, irritable, or just plain stressed, sometimes the last thing I want to hear are things like, “Go outside, take a break!” or “You need to eat something!” That’s especially true when I don’t like exercise (or am not hungry) to begin with.

Kids, unsurprisingly, often feel the same way. Regardless of how old we are, being ordered to take care of yourself (and having it implied that you don’t know how to do that) can feel annoying at best, offensive at worst, even when the “advice” we’re being given is good.

Most parents and teachers who have kids and teens struggling with depression or anxiety know that exercise is going to help their symptoms. But how do we encourage them to get up and move without stepping on their toes?

Read below to learn 3 steps you can use to apply a “needs-based approach” and build resilience when encouraging your kids to get up and move.

1. Use questions, not commands, when inviting kids/teens to exercise and be active.

If you’re trying to use a needs-based approach (which does take some practice!), you’ll know that you should start by meeting their Physical Needs. Movement and exercise definitely fall under this category, but some kids just don’t seem to want to do it without being nagged.

The catch is, if we want the youth in our lives to open up and be resilient, we need to stop relying on our habit of “command and demand” and instead use an “ask and invite” approach.

Rather than telling a child to go outside and get some fresh air, we could try saying something like, “You look like you could use a break. I’m going to take these books back to the library — would you like to come with me?”

or, “I’ve been thinking I’d like to spend some time with you. Anything you feel like doing today or tomorrow?”

The activity could be as simple as stretching, taking a walk, baking a dessert, or throwing a ball. Of course, similar to how we each have our own personal bubbles, different kids may or may not be okay with an adult joining in, so ask what they prefer. The goal is just to invite them to get up, and get moving, to care for those Physical Needs.

2. Let them take the lead on deciding what to do, and when.

Of course, when we ask a question, we’ll sometimes get answers we don’t want. One trick is to first observe, then offer a choice.

If their answer is a shrug and “I dunno,” or a blasé “Nah, I’m fine,” you might think it’s an automatic shutdown of the conversation. But all it does is give you permission to offer your own observation of the situation (and how you feel about it), and make your own suggestions for getting up and being active.

First Observe: “You haven’t moved in the last 3 hours, and you seem stressed. You doing okay?”

Then Offer a choice: “It’d help me feel less worried if you got up and stretched a bit. Would you prefer coming to the grocery store with me in half an hour, start working on cooking dinner, or something else instead?”

Notice that while this kind of question guides the teen towards a specific action (getting up and moving), the ball is kept in the kid’s court to decide the how and when. They’ll get up and take a break when they’re ready — just like we’ll get up and move when we’re ready, too.

Of course, some kids have a retort for anything. If a child or teen responds to your invitation to be active with a snarky, off-the-wall, or unlikely suggestion, one way to respond is to surprise them with a hypothetical yes: “Paragliding would be quite the adventure. If only teachers were allowed to take their students to do that!”

Another way could be to offer a compromise: “I’d be okay with going skating together, but I don’t think my ankles can handle more than 5 or 10 minutes on the rink. I might need to quit early, if you’re okay with that?”

The trick? Work with what a kid or teen is willing to give you, even if they expect you to brush it aside. If you’re serious about having them take ownership of their actions, then try humoring them for a bit, even while you encourage them to get up and move.

3. Join in!

You may (or may not) have noticed that all the examples above talked about “us” moving together, not “you.” Not all kids are going to want you to join in, and that’s fine. The point is to offer to do activities together, so you’re hitting two birds with one stone: meeting Physical Needs with movement and motion, and meeting Connection Needs by spending time together and talking. Even if they don’t want you to join in, they’ll appreciate your desire to spend time with them.

Something to keep in mind is that sometimes any amount of physical exertion can seem daunting, overwhelming, or just plain unappealing to kids, especially those struggling with mental health. (Let’s be honest, though — that’s true for many adults, too!)

One way to approach this without a “command and demand” mindset is to join in with them on an activity that either we (or they) don’t want to do. Combining forces can make the task a lot easier to swallow! For example, I always appreciated it when my mom came outside to weed the garden with us, rather than just sending us kids out to do it ourselves.

The catch is to not “moralize” these kinds of moments by telling them they shouldn’t complain, or by informing them that doing hard things “builds character.” It’s fine to let yourself or your kid be unhappy about getting up and moving. Saying or implying otherwise isn’t going to win you any Connection points, and it might actually undermine any sense of “togetherness” between you and them in that moment.

The important thing is that you’re both moving your bodies and doing it together. And in moments when one (or both) of you don’t want to be up and active, your kid will especially appreciate you choosing to walk the extra mile just for them. ※

United Way of Utah County is on a mission to help every child in our community feel safe, connected, and confident. Twice a month in this space, our EveryDay Strong team will share ideas from local professionals, parents, and friends about how you can help the kids in your life thrive. Want more mental health and resiliency resources? Click here, or follow us on Facebook and Instagram!