The 3 Cs of Connection

We say we want to connect with the youth in our lives, but do we know how? Here are three tips on meeting youth’s emotional needs for safety and connection from local teenagers and Dr. Matt Swenson, child and adolescent psychiatrist at Intermountain Healthcare.

1. Carefully listen

One of the biggest keys to carefully listening to our youth is approaching conversations with the right mindset. When we enter a conversation believing a child is apathetic, unmotivated, or just rebellious, we limit our ability to hear and believe what they say.

Dr. Matt Swenson’s advice is to set our negative preconceptions aside. “[Our children] are motivated! People want to be good and want to self-actualize, if only we create the right kind of environment for them to do that in.” But he warns this requires the benefit of the doubt. “You have to believe that if you’ll just attend to people’s needs and get out of the way, and have a little bit of faith in them, that they will self-actualize.”

To apply this, Swenson suggests we consider how we react when a youth is speaking. “When our kids are talking about their thoughts and their perspectives, do we interrupt? Do we cut them off? Do we finish their thoughts for them? Or do we — like some psychologists say — put invisible duct tape over our mouths, and let them think and let them talk, while we just listen?”

You have to believe that if you’ll just attend to people’s needs and get out of the way, that they will self-actualize.

Homeschooled 14-year-old Sarah* says her advice to parents and caring adults would be to “First, listen, because it’s important that a child’s able to get out their emotions and feelings … before parents make assumptions.” She explains that when we give children a chance to explain, “[You] might be a lot more understanding when you get the full story!”

Rachel struggled through her teen years but now studies medicine in Salt Lake. She says that when children approach an adult for advice about a mistake or “doing something bad,” they often won’t share everything upfront because they’re scanning for bad reactions. “They’re coming to you and … testing to see how you’re going to react and what you’re going to do,” she explains. “The best reaction is no reaction at all.”

2. Communicate about little things

When we regularly speak with youth about their passions and day-to-day experiences, we make it easier to address difficult issues that arise down the road.

Tyler,* a junior-high student in American Fork, gives the example of talking to his older sister. “Just going on the phone with her and just being able to talk things through with her” has made a difference, he says. “I have someone there for me that I can trust and who can keep my secrets and is willing to hear me. She knows when I want advice and when I don’t.”

Daily conversation topics can be simple, Sarah says. “It’s really important that you talk to [children] about their day, and what they had fun with that day, and what they are excited about and passionate about,” she explains. “It shows the child that you’re willing to listen to them. And over time, that builds up to the point where they feel comfortable talking to you about hard things, if in the past they’ve felt comfortable talking to you about easy and happy things.”

Dr. Swenson also suggests parents take moments to talk and connect even in moments of potential conflict. He gives the example of a typical before-dinner scene.

“If you sit and yell upstairs at your child and say, ‘Get off the video games, it’s time to eat, get down here!’ what’s going to happen?” he smiles. “They’re not going to come!”

Swenson explains that at this point, parents sometimes become upset and go upstairs to unplug the screen. He encourages parents to instead use this moment to connect with their children and discuss what they’re immersed in.

“Walk upstairs, and sit next to them and say, ‘What are you playing? How’s it going? You’re getting really good at this; it looks really awesome. Tell me about this.’ And do this for 30 seconds to connect,” he urges.

“Then you say: ‘Do you know what? I think we have to go downstairs; I actually came up because it’s dinnertime. Could we find a stopping place?’ First connect, then redirect.”

Walk upstairs, and sit next to them and say, “What are you playing? How’s it going? Tell me about this.” And do this for 30 seconds to connect.

3. Collaboratively problem-solve

Oftentimes adults get frustrated or upset when youth make decisions they disagree with or “act out” against expectations. Yet redirecting behavior is most effective when we react in a proactive, rather than emotional, manner, Dr. Swenson explains. This helps children develop skills and problem-solve through future circumstances.

“Our reflex is to fix,” Swenson says. “But in my experience, when you jump in and say, ‘Let me fix you,’ you have just reinforced that they are broken. We’re not taking their feelings away. We’re trying to help them function, live with it, process it.”

Sarah explains parents can turn their children’s mistakes into opportunities to work together. “When a kid makes a mistake, I don’t think that parents should react angrily,” she urges. She explains that anger “throws up this barrier that prevents [parents and children] from being able to connect and work through the problem.”

Rather than punishing kids or taking the decision-making process away from them, Rachel says adults should “help [children] develop the skills to deal with what they’re doing.” Collaborating with youth to identify and react to his or her problems will increase both their self-confidence and their trust in us as confidants.

“If you want your kids to come talk with you about stuff — about making mistakes, about doing something bad — you cannot react,” Rachel says. “You have to help them develop the skills to deal with what they’re doing. Because at the end of the day, the only person that’s going to ‘change’ your kid is your kid.” ※

*Names have been changed.