What you can do to help a child struggling with ANY problem in the book

Barbara Leavitt is a mother to four daughters and five grandchildren. Barbara had to relearn everything she knew about parenting as she helped a child go through depression, eating disorders, and drug abuse and come out on the other side.

Read below to learn more about how Barbara found support, learned about herself and her child, and ultimately changed her mindset in order to support her daughter through difficult times.

EveryDay Strong: Could you tell us about your experiences and challenges as a mother, dealing with a daughter with behavioral concerns?

Barbara: At a young age, one of my daughters had a difficult time self-regulating. Even though she did well in school academically, she had issues socially. Sitting in class, obeying her teacher, and playing with her peers were hard for her. She started drinking and doing drugs in middle school, and struggled with eating disorders and depression.

I pulled her out of high school because I was worried about negative influences — and after her father died of cancer, she went completely downhill. She ran away from home and was living on the streets. Child welfare kept investigating me because she was running away all the time.

That’s when I brought her to Utah and put her into a rehab program. We had to be as involved in the program as she was, and it took several years, but our family got better, she got better, and the experience eventually brought us closer together.

What did you do to find support at the time?

B: I started off by talking to people. But you have to choose wisely who you talk to. A parent who hasn’t dealt with a child with severe mental health issues is worried because their kid didn’t do their homework but you’re worried how your kid’s suicidal.

One time, I talked with this mom and kinda lost it as I told her about something that happened. Turns out she had struggled with eating disorders, too, and she referred us to a wonderful psychologist.

We had our first breakthrough with this psychologist. My daughter could actually tell us the truth about what was going on in her life. It was still several years of hell, but we were finally able to start moving forward.

The biggest lesson I’ve learned as a parent was that her behavior wasn’t about me.

What do you wish, especially in those early years, you had done differently?

B: I wish I hadn’t overreacted, and just sat and listened to her more when something happened.

Part of it was my ego. When I got that out of the way, I was able to listen to her about how she felt.

It took counseling for me to get to that point, though. When we went in to see the psychologist, my daughter would talk to her, and then me and my husband would go in and talk. I used that opportunity to explain situations and ask how I should’ve reacted. It was from learning those parenting skills that we were able to make a significant turnaround.

What kind of skills did you learn in counseling?

B: Part of it was asking my daughter questions, rather than trying to fix everything. It would be asking questions like, ‘What would you do about that? How would you do that?’

I had to do everything within my power to act — even if I didn’t feel like it internally — as if I knew that she would be okay.

And it’s the “duct-tape” parenting. It’s keeping your mouth shut and listening and not reacting when they say things. Inside, you’re thinking, Oh my gosh, this is so scary, but you’re just sitting there like, “Okay, tell me more. How did that make you feel?”

I had to do everything within my power, especially after she got out of rehab, to act — even if I didn’t feel like it internally — as if I knew that she would be okay. I had to confidently say, “You’re going to be okay, you’re going to be able to do this.” Not to say that parents shouldn’t worry, but I think it’s better to not show how worried you are, and be less reactive.

What advice would you give to a parent today?

B: I would say if you are concerned and your anxiety levels are so high that you’re not able to have a relationship with your child, then you get counseling. Try to figure out skills and tools that you can use, and think through the process of why you’re upset.

You may find that once you deal with some of your issues, that your child will deal better with theirs. You may find they don’t — but at least you’ll have skills that you can use.

Overall, the biggest lesson I’ve learned as a parent was that her behavior wasn’t about me. It was about the pain that she was feeling inside, and how she was trying to survive with that pain. After that realization, I was finally able to step back and see how I could help her. ※

United Way of Utah County is on a mission to help every child in our community feel safe, connected, and confident. Twice a month in this space, our EveryDay Strong team will share ideas from local professionals, parents, and friends about how you can help the kids in your life thrive. Want more mental health and resiliency resources? Click here, or follow us on Facebook and Instagram!