Five Reasons You Need to Visit Your Library Before Storming Area 51

Nothing like sharing one of the best things about human civilization with a highly-advanced, but not dangerous, race that probably has libraries on literally every corner of their planet.

Oleg Kagan
Jul 24 · 4 min read

Apparently, a lot of people are dying to know what’s going on behind the rickety gates of the mystery zone known as Area 51, and a bunch of them are finally doing something about it. While some of those people are curious to see them aliens, some are probably curious to know what wild and crazy technology the government has been keeping from us. Whether they’re after the little green people or hoping to discover an infinite beer mug (this is me, readers, I hope for this), there’s no way they’re going to succeed at storming a highly-fortified military facility without doing a little research at the library. Here are five things to do at the library before heading down to Nevada in September:

Read up on dem aliens

Imagine you get inside Area 51 and know nothing about our sisters from another system? How will you even comprehend what you are seeing? How will you communicate with them? You need to start your research by reading up on extraterrestrials in both the non-fiction section and the area for sci-fi. Even if the details are not the same, you’ll be in the mindset to communicate with beings that somehow managed to land on Earth after traveling for, who knows, thousands of years? No worries, you’ll be up to it.

Touch some tech

Obviously alien technology won’t be like anything you’ve ever seen before and will raise all sorts of questions (where does the beer from the infinite beer mug come from???). To prepare, start by getting some very credible History Channel documentaries on aliens and the pyramids and maybe some books on UFOs, and then head over to your library’s makerspace to fiddle with the tools. Think about it, how will you ever get a grasp of alien hardware if you’ve never even used a 3D printer? Libraries have you covered.

Mind the maps

If you’ve never raided a heavily guarded military installation before, let me tell you, there are guards with guns ready to kill you. That’s why before you go, you need to get ahold of some topographical maps of the area from the library. Google Maps will only take you so far, but libraries surrounding Area 51 will surely have extremely detailed layouts of the local land so you can get a sense of what you can dive behind when the highly-trained guards train their sights on you and your curious compatriots.

Prep for the journey

If you live far away from Area 51, it could take a long time to get there. May I suggest going to your library, signing up for their streaming media services, and downloading some audiobooks or movies to take in while you drive, fly, or run. Nothing worse then looking forward to penetrating an actual air force base with 1.3 million of your closest friends, but having to endure a 13-hour greyhound ride with nothing but the window view and your thoughts to keep you company.

Tell the story

Okay, imagine you’re back in town after you’ve successfully interacted with the mind-blowing infinite beer mug (or whatever) and some outrageous, brew-loving, ETs. You may not have anyone there that has experienced anything similar in their lives, and that’s why you should talk to the librarian to arrange a lecture series at the library! You can call it “How I Naruto-Ran To See Them Aliens and All I Got Was This Lousy Beer Mug” and after the lecture, you can retire to the local tavern and regale friends and enemies alike with your feats of daring.

Have fun visiting with the aliens, and don’t forget to bring your library card! Nothing like sharing one of the best things about human civilization with a highly-advanced, but not dangerous, race that probably has libraries on literally every corner of their planet. Because they’re highly-advanced. Go libraries!


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Oleg Kagan

Written by

Writer and librarian. More at lifeinoleg.com

EveryLibrary

Stories about libraries and librarians around America. We cover the breadth of experiences that people have through their libraries, and showcase the amazing people who work there.

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