Deadfall: HI-FUCKIN-YA
This is a movie so bad that Nicolas Cage’s performance actually makes it less confusing.
This review contains a bit of ableist language when I quote a line from the movie.
EDIT: I just found out that Otto Coppola passed away last May. This review is dedicated to his memory.
Alright before we do fucking anything, you need to know what Christopher Coppola — the director of this movie and Nicolas Cage’s brother — looks like:
Okay. Let’s talk about Deadfall.
I want to get an unpopular opinion out of the way: Michael Biehn is a really bad actor, you guys. Yeah, I know. I love Terminator, and I love Aliens, and fuck yeah you know I love me some Clockstoppers, but holy shit Michael Biehn can’t act at all. Every time I see him, I’m like “Oh fuck, is that MacGyver?! Is MACGYVER IN THIS!?” and then I realize it’s Michael Biehn and I’m just like “Damn, I really wish that Richard Dean Anderson was in this movie.”
And maybe the worst part about Christopher Coppola’s slog of a movie is that it actually looks and feels like it’s an extended, alternate universe episode of MacGyver where MacGyver is a two-bit con artist. There’s overly-dramatic music, terrible forced dialogue, they even have a weird voice-over narrative by Michael Biehn that feels weirdly like the introduction sequence to a not-so-great episode of MacGyver.
Michael Biehn plays Joe, a con-man who accidentally kills his father during a con gone wrong. A wrong con. After inheriting a key to a bus stop locker, he finds a hint that leads him to his father’s twin; a twin that Joe didn’t know his father had. Biehn shows up at a market place and watches a grift happen, then gives some kid $20 to ask for Lou, then Nicolas Cage shows up and the movie gets infinitely more entertaining.
Nicolas Cage is just sitting behind this guy when he flourishes a deck of cards. He is wearing horrible sunglasses, a terrible toupee, and you bet your sweet bippy he’s got a disgusting moustache on. I can’t place what accent he’s trying to do. Maybe it’s supposed to be Texas, maybe it’s supposed to be New Orleans, maybe it’s supposed to be Carolina. It’s fantastic. After a terrible card trick, he takes Joe to meet Lou, then Lou suggests that Joe and Cage go out drinking.
Cage is supposed to be some half-cocked, drug addicted henchman, and he plays him like a complete fucking wildman. Cage is swearing and screaming and huffing glue and giggle and beating random people up and waving around a gun the entire time he’s on screen. It’s fucking gorgeous.
His character kidnaps Lou, gets into a fight with Joe, and ends up being killed when Joe removes his toupee, distracting him, and shoving his head into a deep-fryer. Everybody else in this movie is trying to be suave and cool, and Nicolas Cage is running around in a toupee with a moustache and getting his head shoved into deep-fryers. It’s a work of art.
After he dies, I honestly couldn’t be fucked to pay attention to this movie. Charlie Sheen is really good at billiards, Peter Fonda has scissors for an arm… It’s all just terrible. This movie fuckin’ sucks.
Seven Cagemarks, though.
Shirtlessness: Nah, though he does run around in a tank top for a bit.
Shaving: Nope, we got that moustache the whole glorious time. A lot of people say they love Long Hair Nicolas Cage, but I’m kind of a fan of Facial Hair Nicolas Cage. Either way I’m excited for Con-Air.
Cage Scream: Yes. Cage learns that he has been deceived and throws a temper tantrum through an entire strip club all the way home.
Overacting: This is a beautiful given in pretty much every Nicolas Cage movie. But yeah, in the strip club there is a seven second long “FUCK.”
Underacting: On top of the accent, he also doesn’t move his jaw for most of his lines. This somehow adds to the performance.
Weird Dialogue: “WHAT AM I A FUCKIN RETARD MAN AM I A FUCKIN RETARD HUH I KNOW WHAT THIS IS LOU TRYIN TO SNUFF ME OUT BECAUSE OF HIS CRAZY LITTLE NEPHEW BEIN’ AROUND WELL VIVE LA FUCKIN FRANCE MAN UHHUHUH.” Nicolas Cage delivers this as a single line when it was clearly supposed to be at least two. Also, what in the fuck does any of this mean?
Describing Violence: Nicolas Cage spends a good amount of his time on screen screaming at people and threatening them.
Running: Yes. Nicolas Cage runs. He runs so good.
Kissing: Yeah, this is probably the grossest Nicolas Cage kiss I’ve seen so far. Just because his character is so fucking greasy.
There’s a point at the climax of the movie where Michael Biehn looks towards another character and says exactly what I was thinking the entire movie: “Why?”
While Nicolas Cage is entertaining as hell in Deadfall, the rest of the movie feels weird, cheap, lazy, and melodramatic. The plot is confusing and convoluted, and the big reveal at the end brings on more questions about the plot than answers. It teeters on being so-bad-it’s-good, but Biehn’s wooden performance and the sheer length of the movie (it’s only an hour and a half, but that’s too long) make this movie pretty unpleasant to sit through.
May your deck be filled with 52 different cards, not just jokers,
Nat
P.S. At one point Charlie Sheen is putting his pool cue together and says “One of the rare occasions where one plus one equals one” and that might be the most ham-fisted line ever written in anything ever.
P.P.S. Charlie Sheen’s assistant is named ‘Sausage.’ This is only mentioned once and nobody says anything about it. Also, Charlie Sheen has an assistant. He’s a pool shark. This movie is confusing.
P.P.P.S. Here’s a video about Christopher Coppola and his cat. This man is the nephew of the man that made The Godfather.
