a very small place

i lied when i said i followed Jesus, that i am a Christian.

For any -ian means that you resemble what comes before those three letters — that you are of the One who comes before the -ian, even that you belong to the preceding object or person.

to resemble Christ would be to want to know, want to retain, and to perfectly carry out the heart and commission of God the Father. I don’t even come close to doing this.

I lean my whole being into wanting Him to meet my needs, my desires, my heart, my commission/mandate. I pretend that I am different than this. But everybody can be fooled, but me, and the Father of all. And even i sometimes come close to fooling myself.

to be an ian is to belong to the obect or person of your ian. If i belonged to Christ, then i would readily go where he says go, do as he wishes, for after all, he would own me. I would not own me.

but I do own me. i do take care of my self, my needs, my dreams. And I am failing even at that.

i believe in a thing such as an ian. I am just a very poor one. The only good ian I am would likely be a Me-ian. but i’m not even good at that. For i don’t even take care of me well.

i try, don’t misunderstand. i’m just a very poor shepherd, even of me.

sometimes i feel like a sheep trapped between walls.

One wall is the world, the place of chasing and fulfilling my every appetites. I never seem to fully enter in here, but i spend most of my time flirting with and haunting this place, like a trespassing ghost.

the other wall is the kingdom of His. I know so very much of this place (but only intellectually). I know so little of this place (at least not by surrender, which seems to be the only knowledge that counts).

I have placed myself in this horrible strange cravat.

If only His crook would come and grab me.

then i might live

but so much of me would die it frightens me

help, oh my Creator.

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