(No) Vacancy

The distraction is present. It is tempting.
I wait and wonder and wallow with my stimulants.
I learn and seek and encourage deterrents.
Anything so I do not take up the pen. Anything
to distract myself from my obligation.

Any excuse not to take on the call. I wait
for a stroke of inspiration. I wait for a call. I hope and wonder when it
will be over. I watch the time fall from me.
Elude me. Undo me. I was close last night
and then I wasn’t.

I could be filled with regret. I could lament
past misgivings. I could have kept
a vigil for what should have been, for what
was, for what feels right. I relax, not quite myself —
still out of sorts. I pore over my time-

line, accounting for my time. I tacitly choose
to be idle. I relax into oblivion.
I decimate my sorrows under a numbing blanket. I wait in tow.
My mind will not rest easy. My brain is not kind
to failure or surrender.

I rationalize as I erase and rewind. Come away from
the edge, darling. You’re apt to fall. The mind
stirs and incubates. I hear her warm call.
Seventeen buildings standing tall and I look
at each window and at them all.

The office lights are not all turned out. The warm bulbs
ring out in the falling night. The muted whispers of sunlight
cast no echo on the walls. My avid warrior faces the breach
and hopes it will all be resolved.

Sailor, show me where to go. Tell me where I’ve gone.
Help me to understand myself. Lift this dreaded pall.
I stand in silence, heeding his call.
I wait to be led, a figure innumerably small.