The Wrenching Joy of Mothering
The yearning to make a difference and the gut-wrenching choices we make.
My eleven-year-old has an email account.
I know… nothing to gasp at (unless it is to wonder how on earth we waited this long to allow her to have one and then to laugh when we tell you that it is the one her public school issued her.)
But to me, it’s a big deal!
Because I’m not at home right now.
I miss that girl somethin’ fierce.
She’s grown four inches in the four months I’ve been away.
Her feet are now bigger than mine.
But when I got her email today, the second one she’s sent me, the single line, five short sentences she typed ripped my heart to shreds for a few minutes. In my mind I saw her at about four years old looking up in confusion and sadness because I had walked out the door to do my job… to serve my country.
How do you respond to that?
How do I explain the wrenching joys of motherhood? How do I explain that I am compelled to serve as her example — a citizen who contributes to the security of the nation because my talents demand it? How do I explain that at the very same time there is a constant tug at my heart that makes me want to hold on to her forever and never walk out that door again?
I don’t know…
So I just went for it…
It isn’t perfect, but I am far from perfect.
Good morning my sweet girl!
I hope I come home soon too. I miss you and your Dad every day. There is no place I would rather be than home with you (especially when you don’t feel good! — though I am glad you are feeling better).
Dad says you are helping out around the house. I can’t tell you how much that means to me. You are growing into such a fine young woman. I wish I was there to see it for myself (but I will be home the very soonest I can — promise!)
I know how hard it is to have a parent away… your Grandpa deployed for eight months when I was about your age and then again when I was graduating from High School. I wish I could give you a big hug and make it easier or better, but I can’t (at least for a little while longer). I don’t know what it’s like to have my Mom gone. I love my Mom (your Grandma) and I think it might have been even harder to have her go away… (of course Grandpa only knew how to make peanut butter & jelly sandwiches and spaghetti when I was your age, so that was probably part of it! — your Dad is a MUCH better cook ;-))
I hope when you are a little older you will understand the struggles your Mom and Dad have both gone through because of our dedication to serving our country through work we are good at and enjoy and the fact that our work makes our family spend WAY too much time apart. It is also my hope that you understand that we all have a responsibility to contribute to our communities in the best way that we can through our passions and our talents.
I love you always,
Mom
