SHOWER THOUGHTS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN?
10 Things to Ponder Before Your Next Shower
Yo stinky ass, did ya take a shower today?
If your spouse is angry with you, take a shower with your spouse, it might help both of you to cool down. If your boss is angry with you, do not take a shower with your boss. What is wrong with you? Just ask for forgiveness.
If you are upset with yourself, take a cold shower and reflect; counting the number of hair strands that might fall or counting the number of strands that have already fallen does not qualify as self-reflection.
You definitely want to safeguard your mental health and the 183 hair strands still left on your head.
If your friend is angry with you, meet them and settle the differences without taking a shower. You are not being petty; you just care about the droughts and famines in the world.
If the meeting doesn’t end in harmony, repeat the process over the next 67 days till you get the intended result. Your stench will keep them occupied, and they might likely forget why they were angry with you in the first place.
If you are feeling creative, think about start-up ideas; Anti-hairfall shampoos and Rogaine don’t count. If you’re stuck for inspiration, sit inside a well and think about how to remove the plastic from the ocean, at least you can prove to people that a frog in the well knows something about the sea.
If you are feeling romantic, think about your crush. Think about why he or she doesn’t reply; they might have fallen off a cliff and broken two of their front teeth, or they bit a dog after being bitten by one. Everything is likely to happen except that they are not interested in you.
If you are a teacher, think about why Archimedes chose to explain buoyancy with the bathtub example; The poor chap is forever associated with the bathtub. If he knew generations later people would still come up with pictures or animations of him bathing, probably he would have chosen a different example.
If you are feeling sad, think about making your depressed friend happy. It might work out for you both, who knows. You can even make your kid a godson for that bugger and make him babysit your problem child for the rest of his life.
If you are a trader and sitting on a pile of cash, think about when the stock market might crash next, so you could buy the dip, if it falls further you can buy the dip of the dip; if it falls even further buy the dippity dip dip and make sure you secure a place in a homeless shelter. You will be the guy who persevered by catching the falling knife till the whole hand chopped off.
If you are thinking about your next story, definitely don’t read Srini’s listicles; he might inspire you to come up with a crazy list like this one.
Special Thanks to Hollie Petit, Ph.D. for the editing and all the support.
Taking Satirical articles seriously is injurious to your health.
If you have already taken a shower today and have no thoughts whatsoever, feel free to check out my other stories.
