Nah, I am not gonna work hard
Appeals to God from a Lazy Human
When will you bless me with a winning lottery ticket?
From: James
To: God
Dear Almighty,
I hope all is well upstairs. Whenever I got time I looked up to say Hi to you but I stopped doing that after the pigeon crapped on me post my church visit last Sunday. I know that you shower blessings in mysterious ways but not in a way that would make me take a shower right away.
I hope you didn’t get offended with me for not praying enough. I did my due diligence by offering you 3 bottles of wine on Christmas Eve. I even waited 9 complete minutes for you to finish them; but you didn’t, so I had to drink all the wine as I can’t let a holy offering go to waste. How bad of you and how sad of me¹!
I understand that you were busy granting everyone’s wishes but I would like to review my wish list from last year. I wanted to make your life simple so I did not ask for World Peace or a solution to Climate Change, I just asked you for a Ferrari.
In January, I told you I wanna be a fat-cat but you made me fat and gave me a cat. Are you listening to my prayers, God?
I did not ask you for riches because I am materialistic; I was just curious to see how the wealthy evade the taxes. A little extra cash never hurt anyone, especially when the politicians increase the taxes and use that funds for their mysterious projects.
I prayed for a winning lottery ticket on the week of May 23rd, but all I got were 27 parking tickets and 33 speeding tickets. Is that fair, your highness?
In August, I prayed for stocks that would never fall and I was holding Generac Holdings, Meta and Tesla; they were the biggest losers in 2022 and that made me the biggest loser in the whole of the United States.
In September, I prayed for my daughter to become a star. She told me she would go to a snack bar, but she took my car, went to an actual bar in an area that is far, escaped my radar, smoked my cigar and left me with a permanent scar. Do you not have any pity on me, my lord?
I was invited to a neighbourhood party this November. Do you want to know what happened? During the dance, I hopped and my pants dropped and the audience whistled at my batman boxer shorts.
From the very next day, the old lady next door started winking at me. If you knew my preferences, you would’ve made her as hot as Margot Robbie. Can you blame me for having high standards?
I understand that we can’t undo the past. So this year, make me a millionaire if you can, or a billionaire if you must; the choice is yours. Also, make sure that the crappy pigeon goes to pigeon hell.
Yours faithfully,
James
Dear Lord,
We, the pigeons, have evolved to be the ultimate city-slickers; thanks to the rising human population and deforestation. Now these moronic humans frown upon us whenever we eat their plants or excrete on them.
My friends and I defecate on humans on a daily basis in overly populated areas to show our rebellion. It is great fun watching their flustered faces. Please excuse our naughty behaviour. We’ll behave well next pigeon year.
Yours faithfully,
President of the pigeons society
Footnotes
¹ This line is inspired from Srini’s clap and run story.
Thanks to Hollie Petit, Ph.D. for all the support.
Taking Satirical articles seriously is injurious to your health.
If you liked my above story, please feel free to check out my other stories
