What do you do when you want one thing so desperately, yet it costs you something you’ve treasured and adored? Earlier this year, I began a renewed relationship with my sister. We’d been on rocky terms for decades. She’d hurt me repeatedly in the past and my adored cousin knew this. He cautioned me to stay away.

My sister is the last of my immediate family. I wanted a relationship with her because I had been alienated from my brother before he committed suicide. I didn’t want her to leave this life thinking I hated her.

I didn’t heed his advice. And he, having been hurt by almost everyone in the extended family, had been hurt by me and dropped contact, permanently with me.

While I have my sister back, I mourn the loss of my cousin — the one person who knew me and accepted me. A deep, painful loss.